Life, Love, And All That Comes With It.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

2008-10-03T11:09:00.002-05:00

Wow. I just met with a couple of students here at my job, and I think I may be back to my old self.

Let me explain: I work at a university with students who've gotten in trouble due to use of alcohol or drugs. Normally, I'm fairly tough with these students, believing that if the whole experience can be just a little uncomfortable for them, they're less likely to repeat the actions that landed them in my office in the first place, since it's rarely actual addicts that I work with. However, when I found out I was pregnant this last time, and specifically after getting through the first trimester and feeling pretty hopeful that I might actually stay pregnant for once, I changed a little. I started being nicer, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and treating them like the normal, good kids that they typically are, and was all around less of a hard ass. To be fair, I probably let some of them off the hook a little more easily than they deserved, but hey, I was pregnant! All was right with the world! I'm going to Disneyland!

So, as my first full-time week back concludes, I realize that some of my edge has started to return. My beautiful baby boy is 4 months old, and more importantly, he's not here at the moment, so I guess it's ok to not be oozing with love 24/7. First, the students in question DON'T SHOW UP to a REQUIRED meeting with me, then when they do, it's without the homework I specifically asked them to return with. At least I ended our time together with a wish for both to have a nice weekend. Sigh.

Maybe I just need to get pregnant again. After all, it's for the students.

I'm back, maybe?

2008-09-29T10:59:00.002-05:00

I used this blog previously to talk about being pregnant, and now that I have a four-month old, that topic has, um, ended. Andy and I use the www.babyrowan.wordpress.com to talk about him, and since I've had little else to talk about since his birth, that was sufficient. However, now I'm thinking maybe it's time I consider using this space again to talk about other aspects of my life. It's been so long since I've posted here that I doubt anyone else will actually see this, but that's ok.

I started back to work part time 2 weeks ago, and am full-time this week. I love my job, and am glad to be back, but I do miss the kid terribly. He frequently falls asleep around 7pm, so we really only have about 2 hours with him (awake) during the work week, and that's a huge decrease from what I'm used to.

My sister was in town visiting this weekend, and it was so nice to see her. I value my relationship with her more as we get older, and it seems easier for us to connect as adults than maybe it was as kids. She's one of my closest friends, and I'm glad Rowan's birth has encouraged us to spend more time together. Another good friend, Liz, will be visiting this weekend, and I look forward to that as well.

Ok, that's enough for my first go at this for a while, but I'll try to come back soon and explore the mom and non-mom parts of my life as time and motivation allow.

Thursday's the Day!

2008-05-27T22:35:00.004-05:00

So, I'll be admitted to the hospital at 5pm tomorrow (Wednesday), and will be induced on Thursday. I'm still kind of in shock, but am very excited! Andy will be updating everyone on a new blog he's created, BabyRowan. That will likely be where I start posting as well, though it may be a while before I get to it.

Thanks to all who've been sending prayers and well wishes our way during this long and thrilling journey:).

This is it...

2008-05-23T09:06:00.002-05:00

Today's my last day of work until September 16. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I'm sure it will soon. I'm at 38 weeks today, and am ready for this kid to arrive any time he's ready to. Everything's still just going wonderfully, though I am regretting my last-day-of-work dress, which makes me look even bigger than I actually am. We wear purple every Friday around here (yay, school spirit), and this dress makes me look like a massive grape. Of course, Andy felt this morning was an appropriate time to take pictures "so we can remember how big you were." Thanks, sweetie.

I'm looking forward to enjoying what will likely be the last weekend of relative peace and quiet with my hubby. We'll be celebrating our 7th anniversary on Monday. I feel lucky to have him as a husband, and am glad Rowan has him as a father.

Curiouser and curiouser...

2008-05-13T16:15:00.002-05:00

I had the BEST appointment with the nurse practitioner today. For starters, I LOST a pound since last week, which hasn't happened since I've gotten through morning sickness. Then, she tells me my group B strep test from last week came back negative, which is great news. And THEN, she checks my cervix and finds that it's halfway thinned out (effaced), and I'm dilated 1cm. This apparently doesn't mean that I'm more likely to go into labor anytime soon, but obviously the closer I can get to effaced and dilated now, the less work I'll have to do in labor later, which is good news to me. And to top it all off, she said she actually touched the top of his head, to confirm that he is fact "dropped" and in the proper position. How freaking wierd is that...Of course, Andy immediately said that HE wants to touch Rowan's head, but since he's not a trained medical professional, I politely declined his request. He'll just have to wait, like everybody else:).

Time enough?

2008-05-08T13:39:00.003-05:00

It's interesting that I SHOULD have about four more weeks until Rowan's arrival, but I've recently started to feel the pressure to get absolutely everything done and ready just in case he decides to arrive early. My good friend and former co-worker just gave birth to her son at 37 weeks and 2 days, and she and her husband were caught a little off-guard by it. I have about 2 weeks left to work for the year (which would put me at 38 weeks), and I'm really hoping I am able to get everything done, both at work and at home, before that time.

I told Andy last night that when I get to 37 weeks, I'd really like for our house to be cleaned and kept that way until the big day arrives, whenever that is. The last thing I want to worry about as I'm going into labor is having a dirty house to greet the family that may arrive here before I have a chance to get to it. This is unfortunate for my poor husband, since much of what needs to be done would be a big challenge for me given my current limitations, so this may be accomplished through use of a cleaning service; we'll see.

I had an ultrasound 2 days ago, and the little guy is currently weighing in at around 6 lbs; they're guessing that if I make it to June 6, he'll be around 8, which would be just perfect. He's in the position he's supposed to be in (head down, facing backward), and seems ready to go. The doctor assured me that she doesn't believe he'll decide to come before my next appointment with her on May 22 (she'll be out of town next week), and I'm hoping she's right.

We had our childbirth class last Saturday, and this did really help me feel a bit more comfortable with what lies ahead for us. With the recent arrival of little Luca (friend Kristen's new arrival), we decided to go ahead and get car seat bases installed in both vehicles, packed a couple of bags (one for Rowan and one for me, of course), made the "must call" list, and bought a stroller and baby monitor, which were 2 of the last items on our list. We'll continue to take care of the last few details, and I'm hoping maybe next weekend to have time to do some cooking in advance, stuff that can be put in the freezer and thrown in the oven for those times I don't feel like cooking (which is pretty well all the time anyways).

Before long, I think this blog is going to be dedicated to the trials that come with being a new mother. I can't believe we're nearing the end of this amazing leg of the journey...

Bright Sunshiney Days

2008-05-01T13:42:00.004-05:00

I feel happy today. Happy and secure. Happy and secure and excited. I'm sure the glorious weather we're having currently is contributing to it. My itching has not disappeared, but it's less intense and thought-consuming than it was previously. I'm definitely in the "waddling" stage, and simple movements like getting in and out of the car are more of a challenge than they've ever been. All in all though, I'm feeling healthy and content.

I had a doctor's appointment today, and will continue seeing her every week until it's go-time. I've only gained 1 lb. in the last week, so I was able to avoid the fairly frequent lectures that she dishes out. For those of you who are curious, I've gained a grand total of 37 lbs. so far. Is that really so bad? Next week, I'll have my strep B test, she'll check my cervix (I assume to see if it's starting to prepare itself for the impending event), and will have an ultrasound. THAT is the part that Andy and I are both excited about. It seems strange, but we sort of MISS Rowan. We haven't gotten to actually lay eyes on him since I was at 19 weeks, and it'll be nice to check in and see what he's up to in there.

We'll take care of a few of the final details this weekend, including things like packing a bag, purchasing a stroller and maybe a laundry hamper for the nursery, and since I'm off work tomorrow I may try to find a couple of decent nursing bras. Apparently those things come in handy. Last weekend I bought a sleep shirt and a pair of maternity sweatpants, which are wonderful. Before I was pregnant, it never would have dawned on me that my loosest normal-person clothing would someday be WAAAY too small, but yep, it's happened. I'm still relying on Andy's generosity and willingness to share his clothing, but even his stuff is too small for me to be truly cozy much of the time. I tolerate things that "fit" for work, but when I get home, I want to be swimming in my clothing.

I miss my parents. Between my Dad's recent back surgery and my certainty that I shouldn't be traveling 6 hours away from my doctor at this point, it's not feasible for us to get together, and that sucks. I last saw them at Easter, and even though we don't normally get together more than once every few months, just knowing that we CAN'T makes it harder. I know they'll come down when Rowan arrives, and as anxious as I am for him to get here, and to see them, I hope he takes his time, so Dad has plenty of heal-up time before having to make the long trip.

I also miss my sister. You out there, Amanda? Nothing wrong with your back, so feel free to visit your Evansville-bound sister whenever you can...Just kidding; my husband is more than capable of keeping me company in the absence of far-off family members. I've been thinking about the trip we took to visit her a year ago when she was living in Arizona, and I want to go back! Again, just knowing I'm stuck here makes EVERYWHERE ELSE seem pretty attractive at the moment. I'll get to leave Evansville again someday though, right? Right?!

Not too long now...

2008-04-21T16:46:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I'm at about 33 1/2 weeks now, and I hear that 37 weeks is when I'm technically at full term, though the goal is to get to 40. I've been doing well generally, but the PUPPs stuff is back with a vengeance, and has resulted in lovely itchy rashes on my stomach, hips, and thighs. I called the dr.'s office last week when I got desperate, and they prescribed this stuff that a local pharmacy actually creates on site for such occasions. It's a mixture of lubriderm, menthol and some sort of steroid, and costs $35. We'll see if our insurance company will reimburse us. As quickly as I'm going through the stuff, it'd be great if they do, but it needed to be purchased regardless. It makes me cry at times, which is so bizarre; you wouldn't think itching would be such a serious problem, but it is with this. I'll start itching, and Andy will have the lotion in his hand, trying to give it to me, and it takes all my energy to stop scratching long enough to grab the stuff from him; totally insane, I know. I'm just glad to have a full-time job to distract me from it a little during the day.

Otherwise, I have the regular aches and pains that I've had for a while now, but they're manageable. My doctor's office has also said that taking tylenol daily is fine, as is taking benadryl (which makes me sleepy enough that I'm not spending my nights clawing at myself), so that's a good thing. I'm trying hard to remember how lucky we are to be in this place, and I know that even if the aches and the itchiness lasts until Rowan arrives (God, I hope not!!!), I can survive it. I've survived other scary medical things that haven't resulted in a bundle of joy, so I can certainly deal with this a little longer.

I read a blog this morning from a woman who's had several miscarriages and just gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the last few days, and it really inspired me, and helped me remember that in all likelihood, Rowan will be just fine, and I cannot wait for him to get here. Our nursery has all of the essentials, and just needs a few more details to be REALLY done. We'll be taking our childbirth class soon, and after that, it's just waiting a few more weeks to be done with work and ready to welcome him to our world.

Ready...for...the...summer

2008-04-02T15:52:00.002-05:00

I cannot wait for the summer to get here. I know it will bring that huge life-changing event, the birth of our son, but I'm ready for it. I typically work til the end of May each year and am off in June and July, but since I have a few vacation days left to use before then, I'm going to make May 23 my last day of work for the year, and it cannot get here soon enough. Work is starting to be a challenge, for a few reasons. Of course, I suppose I could just be having a bad day. Regardless, I'm ready to be home for a while and out of this office.

In non-whining news, my wonderful co-workers threw me another baby shower last night, and it was a lot of fun! There was only one "game" played, and it was for me and the other pregnant guest of honor to chug a sippy cup full of pink lemonade. Not sure what the purpose was, aside from entertaining the rest of the guests, but whatever. The food was great, the presents were very nice, and I'm glad I work at a place with such thoughtful people.

My sciatic/ass pain seems to be worsening over the last couple of days, and I'm starting to wonder just how frequently I'm allowed to take Tylenol, since it really does help me to be more comfortable, especially at night. I'm starting to have, normally a couple of times a day, what the doctor thinks are Braxton-Hicks contractions, but says that as long as they're not happening more than 6x an hour, it's nothing to worry about. Maybe I've just watched too many movies, but aren't those the things that you see people going to the hospital about because they think they're in labor? What I'm feeling is definitely uncomfortable and tight-feeling at times, but nothing that would make me think I'm in labor, not that I actually know what that's going to feel like. I'm just glad to be having such regular doctor's appointments now so all of these questions get answered fairly fast. Speaking of tightness...ouch.

Weekend Happenings

2008-03-24T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm back in the office this morning after a great weekend spent with family and friends. My primary baby shower (hosted by my sister Amanda) was held on Saturday at my friend Lindsay's house, and my parents were in town for it as well. It was SO NICE to spend time with so many of the people we love most, including a few friends who came from quite a distance to be there. We received many very thoughtful (and practical!) gifts from everyone, and I'll be starting on thank you cards soon.

I'm at just over 29 weeks now, and Rowan makes his presence known normally at least every couple of hours, which continues to be very reassuring. There's always still that small part of me that worries about something going wrong, though we have no indication that anything will. I suppose that's pretty normal, even for people who haven't lost pregnancies previously. I'm going to attempt to not worry unless there's something to worry about, which is tough, but this time is just too precious to waste with anxiety about that which I can't control anyways.

I have another doctor's appointment this morning, and though they're frequent (every 2 weeks!) they tend to take all of 5 minutes or so. I'll post something afterwards if there's anything new learned, but I anticipate she'll tell me I'm continuing to gain weight and grow this baby with no problems. I'm seeing the 3rd of 4 doctors in the practice, and will meet the 4th at the next appointment, then will be back to my regular doctor for weekly visits beginning in mid April.

I'll be traveling at the end of this week to Louisville for a 1-day conference, and then will probably be done traveling more than an hour or so away from home until Rowan arrives. There's just some security in being 10 minutes or less away from the hospital and my doctor, and I've done all the traveling I care to do for now. Being at home more often will allow me to focus on more preparation and also more relaxation, both of which are needed in these last 2 1/2 months or so.

I go back and forth between wanting him to just get here NOW so I can see and hold him and know he's fine, and wanting him to just stay right where he is, because I know I can pretty easily keep him safe there. Once he's unleashed on the world, I'm sure that will become more of a challenge. Not that I have any say in the matter at this point; he's going to arrive when he's ready to, and we'll handle whatever is thrown our way at that point. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of work, but also a lot of fun, and I'm excited about every bit of it:).

One of those days...

2008-03-13T08:47:00.000-05:00

You know, it's really difficult to pull off any semblance of grace or at least appearing "pulled together," when you're as big as a house and suffering from a case of the pregnancy dum-dums. This morning I had to let myself back in my house twice after attempting to leave because of forgetting things; the first time it was the car keys, second time it was my whole purse. Yeah. My purse. Somehow I tried to leave without it.

Then, within 5 minutes of getting to work, I spilt coffee down the front of my shirt. This isn't such a huge tragedy, since I'd already determined that it's actually a little too small and the button that protects the rest of the world from having to see my oversized boobs wasn't doing a fantastic job of staying done anyways. Luckily, I live about 5 minutes from work, so I left to go home and change. Then, when I walked out the door to head back, I realized I'd forgotten the other thing I was going to grab while at home: a paper cup to pour the remainder of my coffee into when I got back to work, since I figured I might have better luck drinking out of it than the leaky thermos.

Two days ago, I ripped a small hole into the belly of another maternity shirt by catching it on the corner of a file cabinet drawer in my office. My growing gut had betrayed me once again. It's not like I have an endless supply of clothing that actually fits, you know. I certainly don't have enough that I can afford to ruin two or 3 a week.

Sigh, the rest of the day's got to get better, right?

Long time no see...

2008-03-11T08:30:00.005-05:00

Sorry I haven't gotten around to doing this in a while! My life has seemed too busy and crazy to put my thoughts together in a coherent fashion. No guarantees that this will necessarily be coherent, but I'll give it a shot.

Things have continued to go very well with the little one I'm growing. I'm at almost 28 weeks, and still just as healthy as can be. My appetite has gone from eating small meals frequently to eating large meals frequently, but luckily, a good friend gave me a box full of her old maternity clothes, so I don't have to wear my husband's t-shirts and sweatpants (at least not out of the house). I had my glucose test (for gestational diabetes) at my last appointment, almost 2 weeks ago, and it came back normal, which is great news!!! I fully expected to have to do the more lengthy test afterward and see the "diet nazi," as apparently she's called, but luckily, all is well in that area.

I have had a couple of recent traumas, however. No need to be concerned; they're just traumas in my own mind. I recently discovered, as I was getting out of the shower, STRETCH MARKS. The problem is that I can no longer actually see my lower belly region, but there they were, staring at me in the mirror when I got out. Creepy, crawly, textured, red stretchmarks, going from my nether-regions to an inch or 2 below my belly button. I know this is an area rarely seen, but still, I was really hoping to be one of the lucky few who avoids them. I've been putting on the Palmer's every day to try to avoid them, but obviously these efforts were unsuccessful. Sigh.

The other trauma has been my recent attempt at a new hairstyle. I know, I know; I've read the stuff that says, "don't get your haircut while you're pregnant," because any sort of a big change when you're as big as a house and hormonal is just a lousy idea, not to mention the fact that most of us have stronger, healthier, shinier hair than ever before during pregnancy, and it seems like a bad idea to screw around with that. Anyways, I did, first when we were in Indianapolis last week (will talk about that in a minute), and that was my first mistake.

I went to the mall in Castleton while Andy was in his training for work, and it was more exhausting than I anticipated. I had to sit down 3 different times to rest and eat in like a 2 hour span. And when I saw the little hair salon and the opportunity to sit down for a while and let someone else pamper me, well, I jumped all over it. Those of you who know and love me, please help me remember that in the future if a hairstylist utters the word "LAYERS" to me, that's my cue to run away as quickly as possible. It looked decent the first day, of course, since she styled it, but I'm a pretty low maintenance girl. If it involves more than putting a little gel or mousse on my hands and running them through my wet hair, I'm not interested. I don't even own a blowdryer or curling iron. So, the next day, it just looked like I had cute curly hair in the front, and a long mullet/mop in the back. I got this cut on Wednesday, and by Saturday, I was back in a hairstylist's chair in Evansville trying to get it fixed...

This time, I went in just thinking they would basically lop off the extra length in the back to try to even things up a little bit. However, I was lucky/unlucky (haven't decided yet) enough to land in the chair of a very stylish woman who's been cutting hair since 1971, and she had other ideas. To make an already lengthy story a tad shorter, she took off more length all the way around, and gave me BANGS. I haven't had bangs in at least a decade, and I am clueless as to what to do with them. Same thing as before; I looked gorgeous and hip the first night, which worked out well since we were at an employee recognition dinner for Andy's work, but the next day I was clueless as to what to do with this stuff on my head. Sunday was fine; didn't pay too much attention to it since I was mostly at home relaxing anyways, but when I went to work on Monday, jeez. I swear I'm not typically a vain person! Like I said, I don't even bother to blow dry my hair, ever! But yesterday, I was so self-conscious about it all day long. I wouldn't have been more aware of my hair if I had just gotten a mohawk. Of course, all the ladies in my office commented on it, and luckily most stuck with the generic, "I love your hair!" sort of comments, but a couple stood out as more offensive than that (and please remember, we're dealing with a very pregnant brain at this point). One woman said, "It just looks so sweet..." and I wonder what exactly that means. Am I four? Another (my favorite) said, " It looks very mommy-like," and as a mother herself, if she thought for one second that's the look I was going for, she's out of her freaking mind.

So, after a very long day of enduring the comments and my own insecurities, I went home in a lousy mood. My wonderful husband took me out to dinner (I'm telling you, food is the surest way to my heart at this point), and let me whine for a while about my hair and my day. Then, after he left to go to derby practice, I spent some time in front of the mirror and played with it enough that I'm now able to convince myself that it is no longer horrible. I'm sure the little cardigan and pearls I was wearing yesterday didn't help in my desperate attempt to still look sort of young and cute instead of the frumpy social worker I'm trying to avoid becoming. Crisis averted, at least for the time being.

As I mentioned, Andy and I spent all of last week in Indianapolis where we both had trainings for work (mine for 2 days, his for 5), and we were able to spend each of our evenings there with friends we don't get to see often enough, which was absolutely lovely. I was also able to spend a day with my parents who live fairly close to where we were. The kids were on spring break here at work, so it was a perfect week to get out of the office for a while.

My next appointment is this Friday, and I'm now officially on the "every 2 weeks" cycle, and will be meeting the other 3 doctors who share the practice with mine, which I think is a great idea. After these 3 appointments/6 weeks, I'll be going in weekly. I can't believe it! I'm almost in the 3rd trimester (apparently 28 weeks is the official start to that), and Rowan will be here before we know it!!! My good friend Rachel is working on closet curtains for his room, and with the baby shower rapidly approaching, I think we're on our way to being prepared. We'll be getting carpet in the nursery next Monday, and that'll be really nice too.

I'll try not to wait a month before the next one, guys, I promise.

Crib

2008-02-18T11:01:00.002-06:00

We bought Rowan's crib yesterday! It's a lovely cherry-colored crib and we were able to find it at about 1/2 the cost of the one we originally wanted at Babies-R-Us, so I'm just thrilled. Andy put it together last night while I went grocery shopping, and now I'm ready to do the rest of the nursery! It's so exciting, and I feel good about the fact that we're doing a lot of comparison shopping and saving for the right stuff. I'm going to go shopping with a friend soon who will be sewing curtains for our closet, and we'll start looking for some of the other odds and ends as well. It's all very exciting to me, and I'm feeling more ready all the time.

I'm still feeling fine, though I continue to struggle a bit with getting comfortable and being able to sleep. However, I'm happy and healthy and that's what counts.

Peace and Gratitude

2008-02-08T12:27:00.000-06:00

This week has been pretty insane at work, and we've been struggling to get things done so we can have a little weekend getaway without breaking the budget. I haven't really taken the time recently to just contemplate how wonderful things are right now. It seems that the times I do get to focus on my own feelings and the miracle taking place in my body, all that I do is focus on the aches and pains, the difficulty sleeping, and the stress associated with this huge change in my life.

So, as a way to end this week with some peace and gratitude, and with keeping with my Lenten determination to exclude worry from my life as much as possible, I am taking this moment to acknowledge all the blessings in my life right now. I have a wonderful husband who's helped me to create this wonderful little boy growing inside of me. I love these two boys more than anything in the world, so much that it takes my breath away and brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that I and this baby both are perfectly healthy and are growing right on schedule, as we enter the 23rd week of pregnancy. I have countless family members and friends that love me and provide me with any support and encouragement I might need. I have a comfortable home that continues to be my place of solace after a long day. I have what I need in terms of food, security, and love. I have a job that fills my days with purpose. What more could I ask for?

Next week looks as though it'll be every bit as busy as this week has been, with work responsibilities that will have me at the office 2-3 evenings as well as full days. This weekend I plan to relax with some of my favorite people and I resolve to return on Sunday with recharged batteries and the strength to face whatever life throws at me, knowing how lucky I've been to have all that I do.

New Picture!

2008-01-30T10:13:00.000-06:00

Some of you have been asking when I'm going to post a pic of my current roundness, so here you go. Unfortunately, some of the people I love most aren't close enough for me to see on a regular basis, but hopefully this will tide you over for now. Can't remember if I've mentioned this or not previously, but we don't currently have a digital camera, so this picture is courtesy of Mom and Dad, who visited this weekend. This was a great visit; we always love having them here. My dad wanted me to allow them to write "I love Aunt Amanda," on the belly for my sister, who's one of those aforementioned people who doesn't live locally, but that wouldn't be appropriate for public (or private, for that matter) viewing. My belly is still more lumpy than gorgeously round, and I'm not sure about the idea of using it as a canvas for conveying messages:).

I've been feeling pretty well; the itching has started to subside, for which I'm extremely grateful, and I swear I felt like I got elbowed in the rib this morning. Strange...my precious Rowan is getting bigger and more active all the time. I do feel like I'm continuing to lose my mind a little. I had a very restful night of sleep last night, for the first time in a while, but I think I slept almost too soundly. I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and my mind wandered to work, but it took me a minute to remember what I actually do for a living. Very wierd, but not altogether unpleasant...

I'm starting to feel more confident in my ability to be a good parent; I've always had confidence in my husband's abilities in this department, so that definitely helps. Andy and I were talking last night about what a special time this has been, both in our lives in general and in our marriage specifically. I feel very blessed to have him to share this with, and think that our son is quite lucky to have him as a father. There is still a lot of planning to do, and some pieces that have yet to fall into place, but I think we can do this. I'm looking forward to bringing Rowan home and showering him with love and attention. I have no doubt that it'll be the toughest and most satisfying thing I've ever done.

20 weeks!!!

2008-01-18T08:33:00.001-06:00

I'm officially at the halfway mark in my pregnancy today! It feels like a significant milestone, just like getting to 12 weeks and the end of the first trimester did. As exciting as it is, it still seems like I have a long way to go, and actually the next 20 weeks will be, in some ways, longer than the first 20 have been. This is because even though I'm officially at 20, because of the wierd math they do, I was already at 4 when I had my positive pregnancy test, approximately 2 weeks after we conceived. So, I've only known I was pregnant for 16 weeks. It does seem though that time has started to speed up a bit. I remember how those first few weeks seemed to drag on and on and on, and that's not so much the case any more. I'm feeling good enough to just enjoy the process in general, though I worry at times that I'm growing too fast or too slowly. As of my last appointment, I had gained about 7 lbs since my first prenatal appointment, and the information I read this morning on babycenter.com says I can expect to gain about a pound a week from here on out. The doctor said I should be shooting for between 15 and 25 lbs., so at this rate I'll be slightly above that, but I guess that's not the end of the world. I'm trying to eat healthily, and am still motivated to get on the treadmill a couple of times a week, so that's something, I suppose.

I've not had to take any Benadryl or use any itch lotion for the last 36 hours or so, though I can still feel the itching slightly. I just don't want to use anything if I don't have to, and it's not unbearable currently. I've found that all the people who say how important it is to get up slowly are right; it's easy to feel dizzy and achy if I stand up too quickly, especially if I've been laying down.

Andy and I have plans with friends tonight, and will be babysitting my cousin's baby tomorrow night, which I'm really looking forward to! Have a great weekend, everyone!

Belly Drama

2008-01-15T15:51:00.000-06:00

My body is growing and getting wierder by the day, I swear. Today's strange discovery? I noticed that for the first time when I'm standing up and looking down toward my feet, my stomach actually sticks out further than my boobs do. This is odd not because my stomach's always been so flat before (it hasn't), but because my breasts have always been, well, if I'm honest, above average in size, and I'm currently in a D cup (which is another bizarre change if you ask me), so the fact that my belly sticks out past those mammoth things is a bit disconcerting.

Sleeping on my back has become more of a challenge, and I'm forced to spend more time on my side just so I can breathe normally. I'm still itchy in the same places as before, though my chest and stomach are now also itchy at times. I feel some discomfort occasionally along my sides; I think this is because Rowan's growing a little faster than my skin can keep up with, so it feels sort of stretchy.

We haven't really made any further progress in the nursery, but it's still pretty early. I've started working on a guest list for the shower my sister's throwing for me in March, and I'm feeling less anxiety every time I look at, change or add things on my registry lists. We decided to go with a more gender-specific theme for the bedding, and I think it's going to be adorable:).

My pregnant co-worker and I are going to a breast-feeding seminar next week, which should be helpful. It's so nice to have her, as well as my friend Liz, to go through this process with! However, my heart is a little heavy today upon hearing about a friend I don't stay in quite as close of contact with who's just had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. Unfortunately, I understand all too well the pain she might be experiencing, and I just hate it. I've tried to reach out and let her know I'm available for whatever she might need, though in those moments it's hard to know what to ask for, since nothing can really make it all better anyways.

Thanks to everyone who's been consistently sending love and support our way; it doesn't go unnoticed, and makes this whole pregnancy thing even sweeter:).

Still in Shock

2008-01-11T08:39:00.000-06:00

So, my face is still achy from all the smiling I did yesterday, and I think I spoke to just about everyone I know, which is kind of usual since I'm such a recluse much of the time. I realize I didn't put much info on here yesterday, so I'll try to catch everyone up to speed. Our son (sounds so funny to say that!), Rowan Andrew, appears to be growing, is healthy, and with no sign of any problems whatsoever. It's just feeling more real all the time, and I can't wait to bring this little guy home with us in June...

IT'S A BOY!!!

2008-01-10T12:18:00.000-06:00

(CLick pic to enlarge!!)
That's right, you know this less than an hour after Andy and I do! Neither of us really had a preference on the gender, but it's so cool to finally know!!! I'm kind of overwhelmed right now, but will write more later when I can think straight. The important thing is that the kid looks healthy (11 oz.!) and all is well.

Indecisive

2008-01-08T18:55:00.000-06:00

Ok, I think I'm making waaay too big a deal of this baby gift registry stuff. I keep changing my mind on stuff! I can't seem to stay decided on the crib sets, and anyways, who the hell pays $200 for 4 tiny pieces of fabric anyways?! So, I've registered at Babies-R-Us and Target, and for tonight I just need to stop. My sister convinced me to register at Target for those family members that don't live close to the other one, but many of the things I've registered aren't available in stores anyways, so I'm not convinced it'll be that much more convenient, but we'll see. I just couldn't stand the idea of having to go to another store and walk around with the little gun because it was pretty overwhelming at Babies-R-Us. Also, with the Target online registry, I can't register for some of the more generic items, like diapers. I guess people will just deal with it or buy random stuff we didn't register for, which I'm 100% okay with. It's not like I know what the hell I'm doing anyways.

Oh well. If that's the worst thing I've got going on today, I'm a pretty lucky girl.

Now we're having fun!

2008-01-08T08:40:00.000-06:00

In the last few days, I've been feeling things that I can no longer deny are the little movements of this human I'm growing. How...cool...is...that? The more he/she moves around, and the bigger my belly gets, the easier it is to really believe that in less than 5 months, I'll be home with my husband and my brand new son/daughter. It makes me feel very, very happy and content with my life.

I'm still feeling pretty well, and am getting used to the annoyance of getting up in the middle of the night to pee, so I suppose this is good training for what I'll be facing before long when it's the cries of a child instead of my bladder and Andy's snoring keeping me awake. The only other mild inconveniences are these patches of itchy skin (on my left arm, left ankle, and both hips) that have shown up in the last few days. My nurse tells me it's nothing to worry about, but is kind of annoying.

So, this should be the last post I write where I include things like "he/she," and "son/daughter." My ultrasound is in 2 days, and you better believe I'll be posting something soon after announcing the gender of this little person. Until then, I'll be here at my desk, scratching my hips and counting down the hours:).

But it's only a tiny little person!!!

2008-01-02T08:56:00.000-06:00

Andy and I have been very productive in the last couple of days! He had a half day off on New Year's Eve (which was a pleasant surprise for him) so we raked up the majority of the leaves in our front yard and he took down the Christmas lights. Yesterday was really cold and windy, so I'm glad we got these outside projects done the day before.

Yesterday, we got a ton of items off of our to-do list, including cleaning out closets, the basement, and a lot of stuff from the "office" to prepare for it's transformation into a nursery. We re-filed things into a compact system, instead of a bulky old file cabinet, cleaned out the bookshelves and took a lot of the stuff we don't need access to regularly to the basement and the spare bedroom, and threw bag after bag of stuff away, as well as filled a few bags with stuff we can donate. I have a feeling this tiny, little person will take up more space than we can imagine, so it's good to get started on this stuff. Our plan is to get carpeting laid in the nursery, hopefully in the next 4-6 weeks, so it was good to start getting stuff out of there. Our spare bedroom will be undergoing a transformation as well, so we've started to plan for that.

We also purchased our first item for the nursery; a changing table! This is especially exciting for my husband because it means much less work for him that we'd envisioned. We have this ancient, huge desk that I've had for probably 10 years, and I'd wanted to turn that into our changing table. This would have meant stripping off several coats of old paint, sanding, re-painting, new hardware, drawer liners, etc. I just don't like the idea of "disposable" furniture, and to me, that's what a changing table kind of is! What else can a changing table be when you no longer have kids that need changing? Not so with a desk. Anyways, as we started talking about the time and cost involved in making this piece of furniture into a different piece of futniture, I agreed that if I could find a reasonably priced changing table that I liked, I'd be willing to consider that instead. Well, after my cousin Jyl mentioned a nice consignment shop on the east side of town for baby/kid stuff, I went there, and lo and behold, I found a gorgeous dark wood changing table, modern looking with plenty of room for storage, and with a pricetag of $40. I called Andy, and said, "Sweetie, it's your lucky day..."

We'd planned on buying a dark wood-stained crib anyways, probably a convertible-style, so it can be used (hopefully) for many years to come and not look like nursery furniture, so this will match beautifully. Also, I'll be getting a rocking chair from my parents (actually the one my father bought for Mom when she was pregnant with me), and this is a dark wood-stain as well. It's starting to come together!!!

For any more recent readers who may have not been following this since the beginning, this blog was/intended to primarily focus on pregnancy- related things, and not be a summary of everything going on in my life, so if it seems like I'm only focusing on this one area, I am, but I assure you, I'm still holding down a regular job, spending quality time with friends, etc. I'm sure any of you who've been pregnant, though, know how much of a challenge it is to think about anything else when you're growing an entire person. So, anytime the baby stuff gets to be too obnoxious, feel free to stop reading, and check in via e-mail or myspace instead. If you know about this blog, it's because you know me and I love you, but I also love hearing from you, not just updating you from time to time, so stay in touch!!!

On Vacation and On Cloud Nine

2007-12-28T08:53:00.000-06:00

As I write, I'm sitting on my couch in new PJ's that my folks got me for Christmas. They're soft green fleece with polka dots, and I can't seem to find a reason to get out of them, they're so nice. I've been off work since Dec. 20 and don't go back until next Wednesday, the 2nd, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. We had a wonderful time visiting our families over the holidays, and will be back with Andy's family this weekend for our nephew's baptism.

As far as pregnancy goes, I'm at 17 weeks today (yippee!!) and am feeling fine. I've been making it onto the treadmill most days as the doctor recommended, and have not been eating fruit. I've also cut way back on the amount of sweets I eat, though that's been a real challenge. I've stopped weighing myself at home; guess I figure that I'm doing all I can, and it's up to my doctor to monitor that part. I'm very much looking forward to my next appointment on Jan. 10 so we can find out the gender of this little person and flesh out our dreams a bit.

My family got me a couple of gift cards for Motherhood Maternity for Christmas, and we stopped by one while at some outlet malls the day after, on the way home. The outlet store was so much bigger and nicer than the one here at home, and I managed to find 3 great pairs of pants, including jeans! This is definitely reason to celebrate, let me tell you. I find cute shirts all the time that I like, but pants that fit, are the right length, and aren't obviously maternity pants are tough for me to find. I'll be having lunch today with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and I'm looking forward to showing them off.

My wonderful Andy took my advice this year and got me things to improve my ability to stay cozy, including a new robe, slippers, and some wonderful organic bath salts and lotions, which he's already put to use on my legs, which have started to ache a little over the past few days. I think I'll keep him:).

Guess that's about it for now. I'm off to go, um, nevermind, I think I'll stay right here on the couch a little while longer.

Acceptance

2007-12-18T13:58:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday about the whole change in diet and exercise thing. I think I sort of needed someone to step in and say that yes, in fact, I DO need to be exercising, and that eating more food groups than just fruit, cereal, and sugar would be a good idea. Andy went to the grocery last night and stocked up on some veggies, whole grains, and flavored (but calorie-free) water for me, which makes it easier, and I've actually enjoyed the 3 meals I've had since then. A few years back, Andy and I did a low-carb diet for quite a while, and that's sort of what I'm modeling these new habits after, but with less rigidness. Since she didn't tell me I couldn't, I'll still probably have some form of chocolate every few days, but I just don't need it 3-4 times every day like I probably was.

I did 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, and about the same about during a walk at work today with my boss, and feel good about it! I'd sort of turned into a bit of a slug, as hard as it is to admit that, and this new way of doing this has kicked off what I needed to be doing anyways. I'm sure I'll have some challenges over the holidays in terms of sticking to the modified eating and exercise habits, but my plan is to not beat myself up if I eat something less than perfect from time to time, I just can't eat garbage ALL the time.

Ahh, acceptance; it's a wonderful thing.

Angus and I are "Beefing" Up!

2007-12-17T13:13:00.000-06:00

I had my most recent doctor's appointment today (at about 15 1/2 weeks) and I've apparently gained 6 lbs. since the last one 4 weeks ago. I guess this isn't necessarily a horrible thing, but she said I don't want to gain this much EVERY 4 weeks. I also had a higher-than-usual blood pressure, though she doesn't think we need to do anything about this currently. The other sort of concerning thing was the sugar in my urine. I guess this means that getting gestational diabetes is possible, but they don't actually test for it at my doctor's office. She advised me to start eating less sugary cereals, etc., to cut out fruit and fruit juices entirely, and make sure I'm getting more exercise than I have been. I'm supposed to have some protein with every meal, and make most meals consist of protein, dairy, and vegetables, and make sure that all carbs I eat are whole grain. Seems bizarre to me that I shouldn't be eating fruit, but I guess it does have a lot of sugar in it. I've been pretty emotional today about the whole thing, though the doctor assured me that I'm still fine, and baby's still fine. These changes in diet and exercise should help with the weight gain and the sugary urine, so that's what I'll do. She listened to the heartbeat again today, which sounds just fine, and also did the "multiple marker screen," which will tell us if baby's at higher risk for Down's syndrome, spina bifida, etc.

In good news: they were able to tell me that our insurance covers these prenatal appointments 100%, though I still need to find out what sort of coverage will exist for the eventual hospital stay. Also, my doctor will be out of town in 4 weeks (when my next appointment was to be scheduled), so I'll go in 3 weeks instead! This is exciting, since they should be able to tell us the gender at that time. January 10, for any of you who are keeping track of this stuff, and you know I'll be posting something after that appointment!

Also (I suppose this is good news), I've finally committed to the idea of owning a few actual maternity items. I bought 2 shirts and 2 pairs of pants at Old Navy on Saturday, and am happy with them. Much easier to mess with than the tummy sleeve, though it's still being put to use regularly as well. I'm just thrilled to find pants that work in the belly area and in the length, since I'm a tad short, and most pants are too long, and petites are too short. I tried on a couple of items at the Motherhood Maternity store, and it was a little startling. They had one of those little pillow-belly things you velcro around your middle while trying on stuff, and honestly, I'm just not ready to buy things that will fit with that thing. I'm getting there, just at my own speed...

We'll be heading out of town on Thursday (the 20th) and will be gone through the holidays, and I can't wait! I think a change of scenery will be very nice, as will the chance to spend time with our families. If I don't get a chance to write again before that, happy holidays to everyone!!!

Ducks in a Row...

2007-12-12T14:29:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's really early to start planning this stuff, but I know I'm someone who feels better when I have a plan, or at least an idea, of what's going to happen. So, I had an appointment with our director of human resources today, and found out that because of when I'm scheduled to deliver (June 6-7), which falls at the very beginning of when I'm off work (off all of June and July every year), I won't have to start using sick time to get a paycheck until my contract year begins, August 1. By then, I'll have around 8 weeks of time accumulated that I can take, meaning that I don't have to come back to work until the very end of September, meaning that I could have as much as 4 months off with a paycheck after the kiddo gets here. I AM ECSTATIC!!! I love my job, and am definitely planning to return to it, but at the same time, I want as much (paid) time off as I can get, and want to enjoy every precious moment with our new little one before going back. I don't think I'll actually take quite 4 months; I'm thinking of going back part-time in mid-September to get me used to being back, and Angus used to the new babysitter.

Which, however, is another thing I've learned about today that I'm pleased about. Angus' regular sitter will be our close friend Brandie who stays home with her son and also watches a couple of other children. Not only do I totally trust and feel comfortable with her, but she'll be a bit more flexible about scheduling. For example, since I don't work in June and July, I don't want to have to pay a regular sitter during those months, and she's fine with that. I haven't totally wrapped my brain around the cost for this service yet, but I believe it to be in line with other places and again, the comfort of knowing he/she will be with someone I love and trust is worth it to me.

I told my boss my tentative plan today re: time off/possible return dates, and though she's a fantastic and caring boss, I think it'll take her a little while to wrap her mind around the implications for the rest of the office. This can't NOT be an inconvenience to them, especially since there are only 3 of us who share weekly on-call duties, and for close to 4 months that'll be split between 2 people, but I know I have to do what I feel is best for me and my family. I'm sure she'll come around, and it'll all work out, but when I first told her I was pregnant, she (for some reason) had in her mind that I'd likely be off for 6 weeks, so this new information has got to come as a bit of a shock.

I've been feeling pretty well, and have a lot more energy than I did early on (though still not so much that I'm exercising as much as I probably should be). I think I've gained maybe a pound or 2 in the last couple of weeks, and my appetite's definitely returned. My next appointment is this coming Monday, Dec. 17, and I'll be past the 15 week mark at that point. I swear, every Friday when I hit a new week, it feels like my birthday, I'm just so pleased. I found a cute little party dress to wear to a cocktail party that a co-worker is having this Saturday and for now, the combination of my tummy sleeve and looser-fitting pants seems to work with the slightly larger belly. Oh, AND Andy and I got a dishwasher last weekend, which I'm sure will come in quite handy in about 6 months (not that it's not already coming in handy, but seriously, does anyone else's run for 2 1/2 - 3 hours?! Crazy!) Life is good!

Update

2007-12-05T09:34:00.000-06:00

I haven't gotten around to doing this in a while, and I think it's because I don't really have anything to bitch and complain about right now. I'm almost to 14 weeks (will be on Friday), and am feeling much better in general than I did early on. I feel a wave of nausea pass over me maybe once or twice a week, usually if I'm somewhere sort of stuffy (like Sunday Mass), but the main current complaint is just my lack of energy. I was doing an alcohol program for work last night, and though I do these several times a week, I noticed that 30 minutes or so into it, I became kind of short of breath, which is really annoying. I also had to walk up 2 flights of steps to the room where the program is; again, shouldn't be that big a deal, but I had to stop at the top to catch my breath before going into the room. Wierd.

These symptoms have kind of forced me to slow down and make different decisions than normal during this hectic time of year. I took off work yesterday and spent the day finishing my Christmas shopping since I know I don't really have the energy to battle the crowds during the evening and weekend hours, and this was the best idea! I will be making this an annual event for myself because it was just so nice to be able to take my time and really figure out what I wanted to get for everyone, instead of running into a store and finding the "best" thing I can in 10 minutes so I can get to the other 20 places on my list. I probably wondered around Borders for an hour yesterday and left with some really good gifts instead of things that would suffice but I'm not happy with. I know there will be additional things that come up, but I've finished shopping for everyone on my list, and it feels good.

Andy and I are still sticking to our plan to wait and get through the new year before we start to think about cleaning out the room that will be the nursery and planning how to furnish/decorate it. I don't imagine I'll be one of those women who buys everything in sight 6 months early. I know there are some things we need to have, but there's a lot of stuff that we don't need, and a lot that I know others will get for us during showers, etc. I can't imagine that it's in our unborn child's best interest to come into this world with parents that have just increased their financial obligations by splurging on crap that he/she will never really have a chance to appreciate or notice in the first place. We want to move out of our little house eventually, so the goal needs to be paying OFF bills, not creating new ones.

Oh! I forgot, the other sort of new thing is that I, for the first time, wore my tummy sleeve to work on Monday. I wore it with a pair of nice warm gray wool pants that I'd given up on weeks ago, and a long shirt to cover the belly region, and it was pretty nice! I noticed that the part that's more around my ribcage felt a little loose, so I checked it periodically to be sure that it wasn't getting rolled up in there, but I definitely think this was a good first clothing purchase, and I imagine it'll get more use in the next few weeks. For anyone who's interested, I lost around 5 lbs. early on when I was so sick and not eating well, and I seem to have gained about 1 lb. back so far. I know there's more to come in that area, and I'll definitely try to do whatever my doctor recommends.

I got a few books from the library the other day (including one for Andy about pregnancy/childbirth, etc.), and finished the first one last night. Called "Belly Laughs," by Jenny McCarthy. I can't remember who recommended this to me, but thank you, whoever you are! This was a funny, light-hearted look at pregnancy that I found quite helpful. It had never dawned on me that many women shit on the delivery table during labor, so that's another thing to add to the list of "shit" I'm not looking forward to, but in general it gave me an opportunity to go, "Ah, I'm not alone!" She, however, gained 60 lbs. during pregnancy, and since I'm not a celebrity with the luxury of a personal trainer and chef to get me back in shape after the birth, I hope I don't put on quite that much!

Ok, I guess I had more to say than I thought. In closing, I guess I'll mention that I'm so grateful to be at this stage in my pregnancy where I'm feeling pretty good, still looking pretty good, and have people that I know I can count on if I need something. I'll continue trying to relax and enjoy the wondrous experience of creating life, and will be sure to let you in on the highlights.

Correction

2007-11-29T13:27:00.001-06:00

Ok, if any of you are also reading Major Beef's blog regularly, you'll see that he made mention of my hesitancy to "get fat" during this pregnancy. Just to clarify, that's certainly not the entire issue, though I certainly don't look forward to these upcoming middle months where people will be trying to figure out whether I'm pregnant or just enjoying all the holiday cooking a little too much. Babylust (see link on right side of page) did a good job describing some of the same emotions I've been having about this issue.

It's the idea of fully committing to the process and of the irrational fear that I'll be "jinxing" it somehow. Like I said, totally irrational. With the difficulties we've had previously (as I've mentioned, this is pregnancy #4), it's so amazing and surreal to me that I'm actually pregnant enough to be growing out of my clothes, and that my sister's talking to me about a baby shower. Those are things that "actual" pregnant people go through, and there's still part of me that's hesitant to really believe that I belong in that category.

I did wear an outfit yesterday that isn't even a maternity thing, just a loose-fitting outfit I wear occasionally to work, but because it's a similar style to a lot of maternity clothing (empire waist, for example) I was actually able to see the beginnings of a, um, curvier middle area than I used to have. And, for the first time, I was able to see the appeal in that, and think it actually looked kind of cute. And today I'm wearing a skirt that is also kind of stretchy (though I'm wearing sexy-ass boots with it) and I'm not completely repulsed by the changes my body's going through.

So, am I vain? Sure. But I'm also just a plain old scaredy cat, who's doing her best to be hopeful and excited even on the days that seem scary. And lemme tell you, just having a big belly doesn't always make me feel better. I'm getting there, everyone, just be patient with me. If you're a mom reading this and experienced the feeling of "This can't possibly be happening, I couldn't possibly be so lucky/blessed," I'd love to hear about it.

Everybody Knows...

2007-11-26T14:43:00.001-06:00

Ok, it's official. We've tried to let everyone we care about in on our little secret, and how much fun it's been! Andy and I had a fantastic time visiting our families and sharing our good news with them. I made a dozen or more phone calls yesterday to let our closest friends know, and have posted bulletins on myspace and sent out e-mails to catch the ones we missed. Everyone's been so supportive and encouraging, thanks to all of you for that.

In other news (sort of), one of my work study's at work just found out she's pregnant, and is not so happy. She's a college student with plans that didn't previously include being someone's mother just yet, so she'll have a rough time getting her mind around this huge life change she's experiencing. Isn't it amazing how the same news that is thrilling and wonderful when you're happily married at 28 can be devastating when you're at a slightly different point in your life? She's a smart girl, and I know she'll get through it fine, I just hate that she has to.

So, I thought I was past the point of being sick, but I'm starting to think that I'm maybe not, not quite yet. I don't feel nauseous exactly, but seem to be having more days where nothing sounds good and I'm having to force myself to try to eat. I'm also still pretty tired, not as much as at the beginning, but enough to be annoyed by it. Andy and I got home from my parent's place around 8pm last night and decided to put up the Christmas tree and start decorating, and about an hour in (and after 7-8 trips up and down the stairs), I was DONE. Had to flop on the couch and let him rearrange the last of the furniture and fiddle with the lights one more time. Looks good now, but it seemed like a bigger task than usual.

I'll try to continue updating this as I have time and motivation, but please feel free to not read it if it gets too boring. I'm writing this primarily as a record for myself, and if the rest of you can get a kick out of it as well, that's just icing:). Regardless, Andy and I very much appreciate all the love and well wishes we've received. It's enough to have a spouse as wonderful as mine, but having friends and family like we do makes us extra blessed.

Guest Blog - Andy

2007-11-21T09:48:00.001-06:00

It’s about time!

Jessica and I have been looking forward to this week since we first found out we were pregnant. I have been ‘fairly’ good about not telling TOO many people. Haha. I did tell my friends Mike and Steve pretty early on. I needed some ‘man’ support, and they have been great and keeping me laughing daily! They have been very helpful in keeping me sane and from going ape-shit crazy!

It is good that we are spilling the beans this week because I honestly cannot contain myself any longer. ESPECIALLY after Monday’s Dr. visit when we saw Angus MOVING around flailing his little legs, arms, and big melon of a head. Seeing that really galvanized my confidence that this time it is going to stick! The little dude was doing leg kicks and stretching out his arms… AMAZING. I guess the fact that we are going to have a baby is still sinking in. I nearly passed the fuck out!

Boy? Girl? It doesn’t matter. I do tend to refer to the baby as “Angus”, so ‘it’ has taken on a male persona, but that doesn’t mean I hope for or think it is a boy. It is just my way of bonding I guess.

Jessica and I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. We are blessed with a wonderful family and friends. We have created a GREAT life together and we cannot wait to share it with our little melon headed baby!

~Andy

Ahh...

2007-11-21T09:17:00.001-06:00

It's so nice to be able to start just relaxing and enjoying this amazing experience of being pregnant. I told everyone at the office yesterday, and they've all been extremely supportive and are happy for Andy and I. They've witnessed the last 2 unsuccessful pregnancies and witnessed me going through the scary surgeries and covered my caseload while I've been off, so I love that I get to celebrate this more joyous occasion with my work family.

It's a slow morning here, this day before Thanksgiving, with many people off work and the rest of us wishing we were. At least we get off at noon today, leaving me with plenty of time to get some errands done before we head to Andy's parent's place.

Yeah, this is going to be a great weekend...

It's a Go!!!

2007-11-19T13:15:00.001-06:00

I had my doctor's appointment today (with the actual doctor, not the N.P.), and all is well!!! I swear, they're treating me the way I assume they treat "normal" pregnant people, and I love it!!! (Um, expect to see a lot of exclamation points in this post. Sorry.) She had a little trouble finding a heartbeat on the first machine she tried, but then brought in a cool one with a little screen, and not only was she able to see the heart beating, we were able to see little legs and arms moving around. She pushed down a little harder on my belly, and it actually made the kid jump! It's like there's an actual person inside there, unreal...

We asked all of our questions about things I can and can't have (oysters=no, occasional lunchmeat and herbal tea=yes), and I got a chance to thank her (for the bilionth time) for saving my one tube, making it possible for me to get pregnant in the first place. She kicks ass, that's all there is to it. She said I should feel free to tell everyone I want to, and that there are no problems whatsoever. She said I'm on my way to a normal vaginal birth, and I just couldn't be more thrilled!!!

Well, I'm going to end this post because I can't say anything except how happy Andy and I are, and how blessed we feel to finally get to be doing what we've spent the last several years preparing for. Yippee!!!!!

11 weeks down, 29 to go

2007-11-16T10:24:00.000-06:00

Well, we've made it through another long week, me and my fetus. Yes, it's official, as of yesterday he/she became a fetus instead of an embryo. I've never had a fetus before! Pretty exciting stuff.

This has been a tough week since I've spent most of it struggling with the same cold I wrote about last time. I actually missed work on Tuesday, which is pretty unlike me. I call in sick maybe once a year, except for those yearly surgeries I've had (see early posts) that have led to more lengthy work absences. I'm still pretty early on in my career, and feel the pressure to be an all-star in the office. Come to think of it, that may be exactly why this cold hit me so hard; I've been going non-stop, and with this precious parasite sucking away valuable energy, it's no wonder my immune system is shot!

As usual, this is an excellent time to brag on my Andy, who came home from work on Monday with a humidifier, Vicks Vapo Rub, saline nose spray, cough drops, and a willingness to take care of me. I've spent the last few nights in the "sick suite," aka spare bedroom, so my coughing doesn't keep us both awake, but I look forward to rejoining him in our room in the near future.

I've also had some mild pain in my abdominal area, which always makes me nervous, but the nurse practitioner told us that I may have pain that feels like menstrual cramps at times, and as long as the pain's not severe and I'm not seeing blood, I refuse to panic. I'll see the doctor again on Monday for a regular check-up, so hopefully she'll have plenty of reassuring things to say.

We're both so excited for that appointment, and the trips next week to visit our familes for Thanksgiving! I'm ready to tell everyone our good news and start celebrating and planning for the next few crazy months. I'm also ready to tell my work what's going on, as I become more self-conscious every day of my ever-increasing baby bump. It's probably not noticeable to anyone else, but it certainly will be soon!

Most of this weekend will be spent relaxing at home, though we'll try to make it to an Aces game tomorrow. Keep sending us your positive thoughts, and by this time next week, there will be a lot more people "in the know" who can do the same.

10 weeks

2007-11-09T11:46:00.000-06:00

So, I've reached the end (or the beginning) of another week, and though things are still going just fine with the pregnancy, I've felt rotten this week. I've got a pretty nasty cough right now along with some other unpleasant cold symptoms, and am hesitant to take anything that could help. Called my doctor's office today, and the nurse assured me that cough drops, robitussin, sudafed, and benadryl are all just fine, but when it's my baby and my body, Andy and I are both still a little nervous. I had a pretty lousy morning, with the coughing, the vomiting, and the general feeling of ickiness, but hopefully it'll get better soon.

On top of feeling so crappy, I'm sitting on my couch while a plumber makes all kinds of noises in an attempt to replace our shower faucet and main shutoff valve, along with the piping between the two. I took off work today since I've been working so many extra hours, but as you can tell, my day off hasn't been much fun so far. Assuming he gets done at a reasonable hour, I'll also be getting the tires on the truck replaced this afternoon. We have a fun event tonight to attend, again, assuming I get to feeling well enough to leave the house.

Yay, I'm at 10 weeks. Maybe I'll have something more pleasant to write about next time.

Fear

2007-11-06T08:53:00.000-06:00

When thinking of what to write about today, Andy suggested I do a "Dear Angus," letter, saying whatever I'd want to say to this tiny person growing inside of me. The truth is that I'm not ready to. I'm still so afraid that it won't last, that something could be wrong, though I've got no reason to think so. I'm afraid to start buying things, either for baby or for me. Andy's been trying to encourage me to go ahead and buy some maternity clothing for work, since there are already several pairs of my pants that I've given up on, and the ones that fit me now probably won't in another few weeks, but I'm just not ready. I agreed to buy a couple of sleep shirts with built-in bras, since sleeping without one at this point is just not an option. My boobs are so damn big and sore, they ache all the time.

As excited as I am to tell people our news, I'm also sort of wishing we could put it off as long as possible because I don't want to do anything to jinx this pregnancy. Believe me, I know how silly and illogical that sounds, but things are going so well, and I want them to keep going well, and don't know how to guarantee that.

So, the idea of talking directly to this small, small life we've created, and telling him/her how loved he/she is, and how excited we are for his/her arrival, is just too terrifying at this point. Will I be past these silly fears at 12 weeks? At 18? At birth? I have no idea. And I know that preparing for the worst does nothing but make this time more stressful, but I'm just not yet able to be entirely hopeful, either. I'll admit it, I'm attached. Already, I do have visions of all kinds of times with Baby, laying on the couch, walking in a park, visiting Grandma and Grandpa, and Aunt Manda. All of those pregnancy websites that say, "Your baby can now suck his/her thumb," don't really help in my attempts to not get attached too quickly, that's for sure.

I guess this is why they give me 9 months, huh? Time to get used to the idea of being pregnant, being a parent, and hopefully, to start being less afraid and more confident in the abilities of my body to grow a person, and in my ability to raise one.

Guest Blog - Andy

2007-11-05T10:01:00.001-06:00

Okay… I have been SWORN to secrecy by Jessica I am not able to post anything on my blog about the pregnancy just yet…. I am literally about to explode from not being able to talk about it! I have not posted on my blog in over a week for that very reason – I haven’t had much talk about OTHER THAN JESSICA BEING PREGNANT!

I am under strict orders to not tell any family or friends yet… other than the two friends I had permission to tell (sorta), Mike and Steve.

I understand why we are not telling folks yet, but DAMN it is hard. We spent a good part of the day yesterday with my family and all of my parents and, brothers, and young nephews and nieces were there. I wanted to fill everyone one in on the good news!

As much as I wanted to tell everyone yesterday, it will be better to tell everyone over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. My niece and God-daughter Riley will be baptized on Thanksgiving Day, with a meal following at my parents place. We plan to tell them then before/during/after. The following morning (Friday) we’ll venture up to Rochester to visit Jessica’s folks, and fill them in on our secret as well.

I like this plan and am looking forward to telling them then. She’ll be 12 weeks in, through the first trimester, and will have been to the Dr. a few days before. This is definitely the time to do it.

Okay, maybe tomorrow or sometime soon I’ll put some more thoughts together about the prospects of being a father. Much love and thanks to those who “know the secret” and swing by this blog to check in on us. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!

~Andy

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

2007-11-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

The title comes from a goofy song my dad used to play when I was a kid. So, today I'm officially 9 weeks pregnant, and still no sign of problems. Phew. 2 1/2 weeks til my next appointment, 3 weeks til we plan to share our good news with our familes, then with everyone else, and I couldn't be more pleased. Work continues to be a busy distraction, and I feel like the week went pretty quickly, but not fast enough. Probably shouldn't be wishing away this joyous time of my life, but given my history, I just really want to get thru the first trimester. I promise I'll slow down and start enjoying it after I hit that point.

Andy and I have a lot planned for the weekend, including taking care of our long overdue plumbing issues in the bathroom. Can't wait to buy a new faucet! Wow, when the hell did I get so old? We also have two different parties with friends to go to tomorrow night, and like usual, it'll be a challenge to not share our news with some of the people closest to us, but we'll do our best. Sunday we'll be with friends too, should be fun.

Ok, then. 9 weeks down, 31 to go. I'm starting to think this may actually happen. I might actually get to be someone's parent. And when that happens, I'll have a whole new set of things to worry and get excited about:).

I get so emotional, baby

2007-10-30T13:50:00.001-05:00

Not that I wasn't an emotional person before, but jeez. Seems every song, every commercial, every conversation leaves me in, or near, tears. And it's not like I'm always sad, just overcome with emotion. The sky is bluer, the song is sadder, my love for my husband is deeper. Everything is just INTENSIFIED. I think it's gotta be part hormones, part lack of sleep. I've been working a ton lately, and am at work probably 2-3 nights a week on average. I've had 2 calls that required long trips to the emergency room with students in the last week and a half, and of course, these typically occur in the middle of the night.

The good news is that my wonderful boss had encouraged me to take comp time for all these extra hours (22 and counting at the moment), so I'll be coming in late tomorrow, off at noon on Friday, and am taking off several other chunks of time here and there in the next couple of weeks. It's nice to know I'll be off the morning of my next dr.'s appointment (Nov. 19) and won't have to take vacation time for it. I'm already looking forward to the Christmas holidays, when I'll be off work from Dec. 20 til Jan. 2. Yippee!! I love my job for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that I don't really have an opportunity to get burnt out because there are these lengthy times when I'm off that make the busiest times seem more bearable.

In other good news, I think I've convinced my husband to consider my idea to paint the cool old desk we have in the office so it can be converted to a changing table. I don't ask for much (yeah right), but that's always been part of my nursery vision. That, and a rocking chair or glider of some sort. Haven't figured the rest of it out yet, but I've got time, right?

8 weeks in...

2007-10-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

Today I'm offically 8 weeks pregnant, which is at least 2-3 weeks longer than I've ever gone. In general, I'm feeling better than I did previously. I'm still occasionally nauseous, but more often I'm ravenous, and suddenly, but it's hard to find things that sound good. This means I have times like last night, where I got into bed exhausted at around 10:30pm. As I lay there trying to sleep, I just started crying. My hubby, who I was a little annoyed at for something relatively minor, came in to check on me. I explained that I was pissed at him, exhausted, stressed, and very hungry, but nothing sounded appealing. He started suggesting things, trying to be helpful.

"Would you like some yogurt?"
"NO!"
"How about cereal?"
"NO!"
"Chicken sandwich?"
"Absolutely not!"
"Hamburger from McDonald's?"
(pause) "Make it a cheeseburger with no onions, please."

So, as quick as humanly possible, he grabs his keys and is out the door. I'm laying in bed crying for no reason, other than I'm pregnant, and I assume hormonal. He got back quickly, and I ate two double cheeseburgers in about 5 minutes, there in bed, took a few swigs of diet pepsi and fell blissfully asleep. It was kind of a rough episode for both of us I think.

That's been another problem pretty well from the beginning: I sleep like the dead until maybe 4-5AM, then am tossing and turning until it's time to get up. And when I finally get up, I feel like a zombie for a full 30 minutes or so before I start to be able to see and walk and function semi-normally. And I'm totally in zombie-mode when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, too. I'm disoriented, and it's challenging to figure out where or who I am. Very strange.

Thankfully, I have the best husband on the planet who's willing to love (and tolerate) me no matter how nutty I am. It's not like it just started when I got pregnant; he's known me for close to 9 years, and I've always been a handful. Lucky him, and lucky me:).

Weekend's almost here!

2007-10-25T13:55:00.000-05:00

For the first time in I don't know how long my hubby and I have NOTHING planned this weekend. This makes me very happy. We had plans to go to a party on Saturday night, but it's been postponed til the next weekend.

I'll be doing laundry, knitting, and relaxing on the couch with a cup of hot apple cider. ALL WEEKEND. Jealous?

My Lips Are Sealed

2007-10-24T14:09:00.001-05:00

It's interesting, I wrote yesterday about a co-worker who's due two weeks before I am, and we had this little luncheon thing today with the whole office, and everyone's asking her about how she's feeling, and how her appetite's been, and she's talking about how she's not ready to have to shop for maternity clothes. It's an interesting situation because obviously, I'm experiencing a lot of the same things that she is, but no one knows this yet. She's at 10 weeks, and I'm almost at 8, but I'll (hopefully) be past 12 weeks before I tell everyone here. That means there will be 4 WEEKS where it feels like I'm lying to all these people that are fairly important to my life, and it feels kind of strange. Still better than the previous scenarios, where I'm forced to say, pretty much in one sentence, "I'm pregnant, and it's not going well, and I go in for surgery tomorrow," or some variation of that.

My dream, my fantasy, is to be able to say, not only to co-workers, but to everyone who cares about me, "I'm pregnant, am through my first trimester, and all is well." I'm especially looking forward to saying this to my parents, who I'm extra cautious with right now. It's just been too hard for them, for everyone, but expecially for them, to be in this state of not being able to be happy for me when I'm pregnant, because they're overcome with fear and concern. One of my past pregnancies nearly killed me, and I'll never forgive my body (and my ex-doctor) for putting them through that. So, I am trying to protect them, and give them all the good news at once. I'm just ready to do it now!!! 4 more WEEKS is a long time to wait, especially now that I know everything is going fine. It's tempting to spill the beans now, but I know I'll be sparing them 4 weeks of worry by waiting, and so it's worth it to me to do so. They'll have plenty of time to celebrate with us when we're through with this more high risk time.

I already have it sort of planned out in my head, too, I'm such a dork. I imagine getting to my parent's place the day after Thanksgiving (will spend Thanksgiving day with hubby's folks, haven't planned that part out yet), and we'll get in the house, and my folks will do what they always do, welcome, great to see you, can I get you a drink? And I'll say, totally non-chalantly, (is that a word?!) "no, I'm pregnant, but thanks anyway." And then the hugs and the tears begin...

Blah

2007-10-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

I spoke to one of my co-workers earlier, and she mentioned how one of our new employees (just started yesterday) is pregnant and due next May, and what lousy timing that is (along with another employee who will be off for 2 weeks for a honeymoon around the same time) because of some activities that happen here that time of year. Yes, it's a busy time of year, but really, every time of year has it's busy moments, and shouldn't things like weddings and babies be things we celebrate?

I think I let her get to me too much. She doesn't know that I'm pregnant, or about my due date (just a few weeks after that other employee's), and I hope she eats her words when she finds out, and is supportive and encouraging. Unfortunately, I think her immediate reaction will be to figure out how my pregnancy will inconvenience her. Nevermind the fact that she decided to take a trip to the Bahamas over the same busy period of time last year. Blech.

I'm going to try hard to not allow her negativity to interfere with my happiness and excitement. This is just too special a time for that.

Must...find...distraction...

2007-10-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, the only thing on my mind is this big ass snake that my neighbors recently acquired, and it's kind of freaking me out. I think Major Beef will talk about this in more detail soon, so see the link to his blog if interested.

So, in an effort to not think about the 8 foot boa constrictor that is probably slithering toward my house as we speak, I'm going to try to focus on how nice it is that my appetite has (sort of) returned. It's been so strange, I've actually lost 2-3 lbs since I learned I was pregnant, as very little sounded palatable at all for the first couple of weeks, but this has started to improve. Still pretty sure I shouldn't have had Taco Bell for lunch, but I'm pretty sure that Taco Bell's never a good idea.

228 days to go, according to my little baby countdown, and I think I'm on my way to being able to tolerate the wait. It's strange, I was SO ANXIOUS leading up to my appointment last Friday, but just hearing that everything is fine makes me so much more relaxed, and it really helped all of my anxiety disappear. I got to spend most of the weekend with a close friend from out of town, who I decided to share the news of my pregnancy with, and it was great to be able to talk about it a little bit. She's also hoping to be able to increase the size of her family soon, and I hope that all goes well for her.

Work has been busy, but manageable. Will actually be here til about 8pm tonight, but that will make it easier to take some time off very soon. I still find that I'm pretty tired much of the time; short walks wear me out, but the nurse practititioner said that this will likely improve by the end of the first trimester, which is about 4 weeks from now.

Guess that's it for crazy pregnant lady today, I warned you it'd be boring at times:).

Ultrasound Pic

2007-10-20T10:59:00.001-05:00

Angus' first pic! He looks like a little astronaut!

Holy Crap!

2007-10-19T15:42:00.000-05:00

Um, it appears that we are having a normal, healthy pregnancy. Our little "Angus," as my husband affectionately refers to him/her, is 8mm long, has a strong heartbeat, and is doing just fine! We have the fuzzy black and white pics, and I'll attempt to get one up on here soon.

It's SO NICE to have all these medical professionals confirm what I've been believing for some time now, that all is well within my womb. I don't think I've talked about this on here much yet, but when I had my first ectopic pregnancy, my right fallopian tube ruptured, and is no longer functional. Then, I had another ectopic pregnancy in the left tube! Luckily, I'd switched doctors by then, and she was on the lookout for such things, and was able to perform a surgery to remove the growing embryo before it too ruptured and injured me. It is because of her skill and care that I have the one remaining tube that has allowed me to conceive naturally, and I'll be grateful to her forever for that. I get emotional just thinking about that, and realizing how very different our family planning efforts would be if I was left with no functioning tubes.

Both the ultrasound lady and the nurse practitioner said that when you can hear a strong heartbeat, as we were able to today, the chances of a miscarriage (which was the result of my first pregnancy) go down "tremendously." Everything I hear and read says that it's probably "safe," now to start telling people our good news, but I'm still kind of wanting it to be just mine for a little longer. I know that once people know I'm pregnant, all chances of a normal conversation just go out the window, and I'd like to still be just a person for a while longer. Plus, I like the idea of being able to tell my and Andy's families in person, and it'll be Thanksgiving before we can do that. We'll see if we can hold out that long. The nurse today gave me a very interesting-looking book with all the need-to-know info about pregnancy, so I'm going to get started on it.

It's strange, I've been so exhausted for the last few weeks, but today I've been so excited and wired that my typing can't really keep up with my thoughts. Imagine, me being just a normal, pregnant person, getting to do all the normal, pregnant person things, like have normal ultrasounds, and pictures, and send off the card for my samples of formula (though I plan to breastfeed, at least at first). I LOVE IT!!!

Could be worse...

2007-10-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

I spent the hours from 3am to 6am in our local emergency room last night dealing with a work crisis, and found out this morning that one of my closest friends broke her ankle last night. Both of these things sound less pleasant than "dealing with" my, so far, healthy pregnancy. I'm having some stomach issues today, but nothing scary, and actually, I've kind of been too busy to obsess too much about this human I'm growing.

Tomorrow's the big appointment, the one where, hopefully, they'll tell me that I am, in fact, having a healthy pregnancy, and am growing the aforementioned human in my uterus, as opposed to my one remaining fallopian tube. This is by far the most pregnant I've ever been, and I don't think I could be this far along without significant pain and discomfort if it was another ectopic pregnancy. I know that getting to 7 weeks (tomorrow) does not mean that there's a guarantee of everything going smoothly until June 6, but it does give me reason to be hopeful.

Still been sleeping a lot, and actually able to eat more than previously, which is a good sign. I only felt like throwing up once yesterday (and that was my fault, doing too good a job brushing my tongue, and accidently set off the ol' gag reflex), and haven't felt particularly nauseous today. I have found, however, that there are some things that are best avoided currently, like messing with raw meat, allowing my husband to talk to long about the bathroom deposits that he's particularly proud of, and the horrid smell of the dumpsters behind my work building (which also happens to house the food services here). None of these things are all that pleasant anyways, but are especially offensive to my senses in my current state.

Ok, I'll hopefully be posting good news after tomorrow's appointment. Oomph, makes my belly hurt just thinking about it...

Better day, better man...

2007-10-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

I've not felt on the verge of throwing up ALL DAY, which has been so pleasant. Andy's helped me get a couple of "accessories" up on this thing, so I can watch the imaginary baby grow right in front of me:). He's also made the decision, along with a close friend of his, to start doing things daily to be a "better, more balance man," and I support this entirely. Involves regular mass attendance, exercise, and mental growth (reading, etc.), so nothing but healthy stuff. He's long needed something to help in the stress-relieving department, and I think this might be just the thing.

So, I got a decent night's sleep last night, for the first time in a couple of weeks, and have been pretty productive at work (aside from my current, um, diversion). My first ultrasound and nurse practitioner appointment happen this Friday, and I'll be at 7 weeks at that point. Time has just been passing so slowly since I found out I was pregnant, and the stress of it all is overwhelming at times.

And actually, it's going to be extremely stressful no matter what the outcome. Obviously, losing another pregnancy would be very stressful, sad, and all of the other, previously felt feelings would return. But, if we get to keep this one, if I get to stay pregnant, and become someone's mother, that's an entirely different sort of stress, and one that I feel I'm ready for. I mean, people do this parenthood stuff all the time, and I anticipate it being the hardest thing I've done, but I believe I'm equipped, and I know I'm ready to give it a shot.

Please please please let me stay pregnant...

Ok, kind of strange...

2007-10-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

I determined that I'd never do this, for many reasons. Primarily because I'm a pretty private person, and have no interest in people I know reading this, save my husband, especially given the event that has prompted this bold move.

I'm pregnant. Less than a handful of people know this, also for many reasons. This is my 4th pregnancy, and I have yet to have a successful one, though so far so good this time. I've had one miscarriage, and 2 ectopic pregancies, both requiring scary surgeries and the potential loss of my ability to procreate. Perhaps I'll expand on these prior losses another time.

Anyways, since almost no one knows I'm pregnant again (6 weeks and counting!), I have almost no one to talk to about it. Sure, it's the constant topic of conversation between me and my husband, but that's pretty much it. As I said, this is intentional, because given my history, there's no guarantee that I'll continue to stay pregnant, and I don't see the point in forcing my friends and family to grieve another loss with us, so for now, it's just been our little secret.

What's prompting me to start writing is my NEED to talk about it! I have a NEED to write, even if it's just to myself, about how completely lousy I feel every day. I NEED to write about struggling to overcome my addiction to caffeine, and my desire to drink alcohol on a regular basis. I NEED to be able to choke down more than 600 calories a day without feeling like yakking all over my freshly shampooed office floor.

So, that's exactly what I'll do. I can't imagine that this will be of much interest to anyone else (though morning sickness is SO VERY FASCINATING!), but maybe it'll help me survive the next few weeks, until we can be, at least in theory, out of the woods.