I get so emotional, baby

Not that I wasn't an emotional person before, but jeez. Seems every song, every commercial, every conversation leaves me in, or near, tears. And it's not like I'm always sad, just overcome with emotion. The sky is bluer, the song is sadder, my love for my husband is deeper. Everything is just INTENSIFIED. I think it's gotta be part hormones, part lack of sleep. I've been working a ton lately, and am at work probably 2-3 nights a week on average. I've had 2 calls that required long trips to the emergency room with students in the last week and a half, and of course, these typically occur in the middle of the night.

The good news is that my wonderful boss had encouraged me to take comp time for all these extra hours (22 and counting at the moment), so I'll be coming in late tomorrow, off at noon on Friday, and am taking off several other chunks of time here and there in the next couple of weeks. It's nice to know I'll be off the morning of my next dr.'s appointment (Nov. 19) and won't have to take vacation time for it. I'm already looking forward to the Christmas holidays, when I'll be off work from Dec. 20 til Jan. 2. Yippee!! I love my job for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that I don't really have an opportunity to get burnt out because there are these lengthy times when I'm off that make the busiest times seem more bearable.

In other good news, I think I've convinced my husband to consider my idea to paint the cool old desk we have in the office so it can be converted to a changing table. I don't ask for much (yeah right), but that's always been part of my nursery vision. That, and a rocking chair or glider of some sort. Haven't figured the rest of it out yet, but I've got time, right?

8 weeks in...

Today I'm offically 8 weeks pregnant, which is at least 2-3 weeks longer than I've ever gone. In general, I'm feeling better than I did previously. I'm still occasionally nauseous, but more often I'm ravenous, and suddenly, but it's hard to find things that sound good. This means I have times like last night, where I got into bed exhausted at around 10:30pm. As I lay there trying to sleep, I just started crying. My hubby, who I was a little annoyed at for something relatively minor, came in to check on me. I explained that I was pissed at him, exhausted, stressed, and very hungry, but nothing sounded appealing. He started suggesting things, trying to be helpful.

"Would you like some yogurt?"
"NO!"
"How about cereal?"
"NO!"
"Chicken sandwich?"
"Absolutely not!"
"Hamburger from McDonald's?"
(pause) "Make it a cheeseburger with no onions, please."

So, as quick as humanly possible, he grabs his keys and is out the door. I'm laying in bed crying for no reason, other than I'm pregnant, and I assume hormonal. He got back quickly, and I ate two double cheeseburgers in about 5 minutes, there in bed, took a few swigs of diet pepsi and fell blissfully asleep. It was kind of a rough episode for both of us I think.

That's been another problem pretty well from the beginning: I sleep like the dead until maybe 4-5AM, then am tossing and turning until it's time to get up. And when I finally get up, I feel like a zombie for a full 30 minutes or so before I start to be able to see and walk and function semi-normally. And I'm totally in zombie-mode when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, too. I'm disoriented, and it's challenging to figure out where or who I am. Very strange.

Thankfully, I have the best husband on the planet who's willing to love (and tolerate) me no matter how nutty I am. It's not like it just started when I got pregnant; he's known me for close to 9 years, and I've always been a handful. Lucky him, and lucky me:).

Weekend's almost here!

For the first time in I don't know how long my hubby and I have NOTHING planned this weekend. This makes me very happy. We had plans to go to a party on Saturday night, but it's been postponed til the next weekend.

I'll be doing laundry, knitting, and relaxing on the couch with a cup of hot apple cider. ALL WEEKEND. Jealous?

My Lips Are Sealed

It's interesting, I wrote yesterday about a co-worker who's due two weeks before I am, and we had this little luncheon thing today with the whole office, and everyone's asking her about how she's feeling, and how her appetite's been, and she's talking about how she's not ready to have to shop for maternity clothes. It's an interesting situation because obviously, I'm experiencing a lot of the same things that she is, but no one knows this yet. She's at 10 weeks, and I'm almost at 8, but I'll (hopefully) be past 12 weeks before I tell everyone here. That means there will be 4 WEEKS where it feels like I'm lying to all these people that are fairly important to my life, and it feels kind of strange. Still better than the previous scenarios, where I'm forced to say, pretty much in one sentence, "I'm pregnant, and it's not going well, and I go in for surgery tomorrow," or some variation of that.

My dream, my fantasy, is to be able to say, not only to co-workers, but to everyone who cares about me, "I'm pregnant, am through my first trimester, and all is well." I'm especially looking forward to saying this to my parents, who I'm extra cautious with right now. It's just been too hard for them, for everyone, but expecially for them, to be in this state of not being able to be happy for me when I'm pregnant, because they're overcome with fear and concern. One of my past pregnancies nearly killed me, and I'll never forgive my body (and my ex-doctor) for putting them through that. So, I am trying to protect them, and give them all the good news at once. I'm just ready to do it now!!! 4 more WEEKS is a long time to wait, especially now that I know everything is going fine. It's tempting to spill the beans now, but I know I'll be sparing them 4 weeks of worry by waiting, and so it's worth it to me to do so. They'll have plenty of time to celebrate with us when we're through with this more high risk time.

I already have it sort of planned out in my head, too, I'm such a dork. I imagine getting to my parent's place the day after Thanksgiving (will spend Thanksgiving day with hubby's folks, haven't planned that part out yet), and we'll get in the house, and my folks will do what they always do, welcome, great to see you, can I get you a drink? And I'll say, totally non-chalantly, (is that a word?!) "no, I'm pregnant, but thanks anyway." And then the hugs and the tears begin...

Blah

I spoke to one of my co-workers earlier, and she mentioned how one of our new employees (just started yesterday) is pregnant and due next May, and what lousy timing that is (along with another employee who will be off for 2 weeks for a honeymoon around the same time) because of some activities that happen here that time of year. Yes, it's a busy time of year, but really, every time of year has it's busy moments, and shouldn't things like weddings and babies be things we celebrate?

I think I let her get to me too much. She doesn't know that I'm pregnant, or about my due date (just a few weeks after that other employee's), and I hope she eats her words when she finds out, and is supportive and encouraging. Unfortunately, I think her immediate reaction will be to figure out how my pregnancy will inconvenience her. Nevermind the fact that she decided to take a trip to the Bahamas over the same busy period of time last year. Blech.

I'm going to try hard to not allow her negativity to interfere with my happiness and excitement. This is just too special a time for that.

Must...find...distraction...

Ok, the only thing on my mind is this big ass snake that my neighbors recently acquired, and it's kind of freaking me out. I think Major Beef will talk about this in more detail soon, so see the link to his blog if interested.

So, in an effort to not think about the 8 foot boa constrictor that is probably slithering toward my house as we speak, I'm going to try to focus on how nice it is that my appetite has (sort of) returned. It's been so strange, I've actually lost 2-3 lbs since I learned I was pregnant, as very little sounded palatable at all for the first couple of weeks, but this has started to improve. Still pretty sure I shouldn't have had Taco Bell for lunch, but I'm pretty sure that Taco Bell's never a good idea.

228 days to go, according to my little baby countdown, and I think I'm on my way to being able to tolerate the wait. It's strange, I was SO ANXIOUS leading up to my appointment last Friday, but just hearing that everything is fine makes me so much more relaxed, and it really helped all of my anxiety disappear. I got to spend most of the weekend with a close friend from out of town, who I decided to share the news of my pregnancy with, and it was great to be able to talk about it a little bit. She's also hoping to be able to increase the size of her family soon, and I hope that all goes well for her.

Work has been busy, but manageable. Will actually be here til about 8pm tonight, but that will make it easier to take some time off very soon. I still find that I'm pretty tired much of the time; short walks wear me out, but the nurse practititioner said that this will likely improve by the end of the first trimester, which is about 4 weeks from now.

Guess that's it for crazy pregnant lady today, I warned you it'd be boring at times:).

Ultrasound Pic

Angus' first pic! He looks like a little astronaut!

Holy Crap!

Um, it appears that we are having a normal, healthy pregnancy. Our little "Angus," as my husband affectionately refers to him/her, is 8mm long, has a strong heartbeat, and is doing just fine! We have the fuzzy black and white pics, and I'll attempt to get one up on here soon.

It's SO NICE to have all these medical professionals confirm what I've been believing for some time now, that all is well within my womb. I don't think I've talked about this on here much yet, but when I had my first ectopic pregnancy, my right fallopian tube ruptured, and is no longer functional. Then, I had another ectopic pregnancy in the left tube! Luckily, I'd switched doctors by then, and she was on the lookout for such things, and was able to perform a surgery to remove the growing embryo before it too ruptured and injured me. It is because of her skill and care that I have the one remaining tube that has allowed me to conceive naturally, and I'll be grateful to her forever for that. I get emotional just thinking about that, and realizing how very different our family planning efforts would be if I was left with no functioning tubes.

Both the ultrasound lady and the nurse practitioner said that when you can hear a strong heartbeat, as we were able to today, the chances of a miscarriage (which was the result of my first pregnancy) go down "tremendously." Everything I hear and read says that it's probably "safe," now to start telling people our good news, but I'm still kind of wanting it to be just mine for a little longer. I know that once people know I'm pregnant, all chances of a normal conversation just go out the window, and I'd like to still be just a person for a while longer. Plus, I like the idea of being able to tell my and Andy's families in person, and it'll be Thanksgiving before we can do that. We'll see if we can hold out that long. The nurse today gave me a very interesting-looking book with all the need-to-know info about pregnancy, so I'm going to get started on it.

It's strange, I've been so exhausted for the last few weeks, but today I've been so excited and wired that my typing can't really keep up with my thoughts. Imagine, me being just a normal, pregnant person, getting to do all the normal, pregnant person things, like have normal ultrasounds, and pictures, and send off the card for my samples of formula (though I plan to breastfeed, at least at first). I LOVE IT!!!

Could be worse...

I spent the hours from 3am to 6am in our local emergency room last night dealing with a work crisis, and found out this morning that one of my closest friends broke her ankle last night. Both of these things sound less pleasant than "dealing with" my, so far, healthy pregnancy. I'm having some stomach issues today, but nothing scary, and actually, I've kind of been too busy to obsess too much about this human I'm growing.

Tomorrow's the big appointment, the one where, hopefully, they'll tell me that I am, in fact, having a healthy pregnancy, and am growing the aforementioned human in my uterus, as opposed to my one remaining fallopian tube. This is by far the most pregnant I've ever been, and I don't think I could be this far along without significant pain and discomfort if it was another ectopic pregnancy. I know that getting to 7 weeks (tomorrow) does not mean that there's a guarantee of everything going smoothly until June 6, but it does give me reason to be hopeful.

Still been sleeping a lot, and actually able to eat more than previously, which is a good sign. I only felt like throwing up once yesterday (and that was my fault, doing too good a job brushing my tongue, and accidently set off the ol' gag reflex), and haven't felt particularly nauseous today. I have found, however, that there are some things that are best avoided currently, like messing with raw meat, allowing my husband to talk to long about the bathroom deposits that he's particularly proud of, and the horrid smell of the dumpsters behind my work building (which also happens to house the food services here). None of these things are all that pleasant anyways, but are especially offensive to my senses in my current state.

Ok, I'll hopefully be posting good news after tomorrow's appointment. Oomph, makes my belly hurt just thinking about it...

Better day, better man...

I've not felt on the verge of throwing up ALL DAY, which has been so pleasant. Andy's helped me get a couple of "accessories" up on this thing, so I can watch the imaginary baby grow right in front of me:). He's also made the decision, along with a close friend of his, to start doing things daily to be a "better, more balance man," and I support this entirely. Involves regular mass attendance, exercise, and mental growth (reading, etc.), so nothing but healthy stuff. He's long needed something to help in the stress-relieving department, and I think this might be just the thing.

So, I got a decent night's sleep last night, for the first time in a couple of weeks, and have been pretty productive at work (aside from my current, um, diversion). My first ultrasound and nurse practitioner appointment happen this Friday, and I'll be at 7 weeks at that point. Time has just been passing so slowly since I found out I was pregnant, and the stress of it all is overwhelming at times.

And actually, it's going to be extremely stressful no matter what the outcome. Obviously, losing another pregnancy would be very stressful, sad, and all of the other, previously felt feelings would return. But, if we get to keep this one, if I get to stay pregnant, and become someone's mother, that's an entirely different sort of stress, and one that I feel I'm ready for. I mean, people do this parenthood stuff all the time, and I anticipate it being the hardest thing I've done, but I believe I'm equipped, and I know I'm ready to give it a shot.

Please please please let me stay pregnant...

Ok, kind of strange...

I determined that I'd never do this, for many reasons. Primarily because I'm a pretty private person, and have no interest in people I know reading this, save my husband, especially given the event that has prompted this bold move.

I'm pregnant. Less than a handful of people know this, also for many reasons. This is my 4th pregnancy, and I have yet to have a successful one, though so far so good this time. I've had one miscarriage, and 2 ectopic pregancies, both requiring scary surgeries and the potential loss of my ability to procreate. Perhaps I'll expand on these prior losses another time.

Anyways, since almost no one knows I'm pregnant again (6 weeks and counting!), I have almost no one to talk to about it. Sure, it's the constant topic of conversation between me and my husband, but that's pretty much it. As I said, this is intentional, because given my history, there's no guarantee that I'll continue to stay pregnant, and I don't see the point in forcing my friends and family to grieve another loss with us, so for now, it's just been our little secret.

What's prompting me to start writing is my NEED to talk about it! I have a NEED to write, even if it's just to myself, about how completely lousy I feel every day. I NEED to write about struggling to overcome my addiction to caffeine, and my desire to drink alcohol on a regular basis. I NEED to be able to choke down more than 600 calories a day without feeling like yakking all over my freshly shampooed office floor.

So, that's exactly what I'll do. I can't imagine that this will be of much interest to anyone else (though morning sickness is SO VERY FASCINATING!), but maybe it'll help me survive the next few weeks, until we can be, at least in theory, out of the woods.