On Vacation and On Cloud Nine

As I write, I'm sitting on my couch in new PJ's that my folks got me for Christmas. They're soft green fleece with polka dots, and I can't seem to find a reason to get out of them, they're so nice. I've been off work since Dec. 20 and don't go back until next Wednesday, the 2nd, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. We had a wonderful time visiting our families over the holidays, and will be back with Andy's family this weekend for our nephew's baptism.

As far as pregnancy goes, I'm at 17 weeks today (yippee!!) and am feeling fine. I've been making it onto the treadmill most days as the doctor recommended, and have not been eating fruit. I've also cut way back on the amount of sweets I eat, though that's been a real challenge. I've stopped weighing myself at home; guess I figure that I'm doing all I can, and it's up to my doctor to monitor that part. I'm very much looking forward to my next appointment on Jan. 10 so we can find out the gender of this little person and flesh out our dreams a bit.

My family got me a couple of gift cards for Motherhood Maternity for Christmas, and we stopped by one while at some outlet malls the day after, on the way home. The outlet store was so much bigger and nicer than the one here at home, and I managed to find 3 great pairs of pants, including jeans! This is definitely reason to celebrate, let me tell you. I find cute shirts all the time that I like, but pants that fit, are the right length, and aren't obviously maternity pants are tough for me to find. I'll be having lunch today with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and I'm looking forward to showing them off.

My wonderful Andy took my advice this year and got me things to improve my ability to stay cozy, including a new robe, slippers, and some wonderful organic bath salts and lotions, which he's already put to use on my legs, which have started to ache a little over the past few days. I think I'll keep him:).

Guess that's about it for now. I'm off to go, um, nevermind, I think I'll stay right here on the couch a little while longer.

Acceptance

I'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday about the whole change in diet and exercise thing. I think I sort of needed someone to step in and say that yes, in fact, I DO need to be exercising, and that eating more food groups than just fruit, cereal, and sugar would be a good idea. Andy went to the grocery last night and stocked up on some veggies, whole grains, and flavored (but calorie-free) water for me, which makes it easier, and I've actually enjoyed the 3 meals I've had since then. A few years back, Andy and I did a low-carb diet for quite a while, and that's sort of what I'm modeling these new habits after, but with less rigidness. Since she didn't tell me I couldn't, I'll still probably have some form of chocolate every few days, but I just don't need it 3-4 times every day like I probably was.

I did 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, and about the same about during a walk at work today with my boss, and feel good about it! I'd sort of turned into a bit of a slug, as hard as it is to admit that, and this new way of doing this has kicked off what I needed to be doing anyways. I'm sure I'll have some challenges over the holidays in terms of sticking to the modified eating and exercise habits, but my plan is to not beat myself up if I eat something less than perfect from time to time, I just can't eat garbage ALL the time.

Ahh, acceptance; it's a wonderful thing.

Angus and I are "Beefing" Up!

I had my most recent doctor's appointment today (at about 15 1/2 weeks) and I've apparently gained 6 lbs. since the last one 4 weeks ago. I guess this isn't necessarily a horrible thing, but she said I don't want to gain this much EVERY 4 weeks. I also had a higher-than-usual blood pressure, though she doesn't think we need to do anything about this currently. The other sort of concerning thing was the sugar in my urine. I guess this means that getting gestational diabetes is possible, but they don't actually test for it at my doctor's office. She advised me to start eating less sugary cereals, etc., to cut out fruit and fruit juices entirely, and make sure I'm getting more exercise than I have been. I'm supposed to have some protein with every meal, and make most meals consist of protein, dairy, and vegetables, and make sure that all carbs I eat are whole grain. Seems bizarre to me that I shouldn't be eating fruit, but I guess it does have a lot of sugar in it. I've been pretty emotional today about the whole thing, though the doctor assured me that I'm still fine, and baby's still fine. These changes in diet and exercise should help with the weight gain and the sugary urine, so that's what I'll do. She listened to the heartbeat again today, which sounds just fine, and also did the "multiple marker screen," which will tell us if baby's at higher risk for Down's syndrome, spina bifida, etc.

In good news: they were able to tell me that our insurance covers these prenatal appointments 100%, though I still need to find out what sort of coverage will exist for the eventual hospital stay. Also, my doctor will be out of town in 4 weeks (when my next appointment was to be scheduled), so I'll go in 3 weeks instead! This is exciting, since they should be able to tell us the gender at that time. January 10, for any of you who are keeping track of this stuff, and you know I'll be posting something after that appointment!

Also (I suppose this is good news), I've finally committed to the idea of owning a few actual maternity items. I bought 2 shirts and 2 pairs of pants at Old Navy on Saturday, and am happy with them. Much easier to mess with than the tummy sleeve, though it's still being put to use regularly as well. I'm just thrilled to find pants that work in the belly area and in the length, since I'm a tad short, and most pants are too long, and petites are too short. I tried on a couple of items at the Motherhood Maternity store, and it was a little startling. They had one of those little pillow-belly things you velcro around your middle while trying on stuff, and honestly, I'm just not ready to buy things that will fit with that thing. I'm getting there, just at my own speed...

We'll be heading out of town on Thursday (the 20th) and will be gone through the holidays, and I can't wait! I think a change of scenery will be very nice, as will the chance to spend time with our families. If I don't get a chance to write again before that, happy holidays to everyone!!!

Ducks in a Row...

Ok, so it's really early to start planning this stuff, but I know I'm someone who feels better when I have a plan, or at least an idea, of what's going to happen. So, I had an appointment with our director of human resources today, and found out that because of when I'm scheduled to deliver (June 6-7), which falls at the very beginning of when I'm off work (off all of June and July every year), I won't have to start using sick time to get a paycheck until my contract year begins, August 1. By then, I'll have around 8 weeks of time accumulated that I can take, meaning that I don't have to come back to work until the very end of September, meaning that I could have as much as 4 months off with a paycheck after the kiddo gets here. I AM ECSTATIC!!! I love my job, and am definitely planning to return to it, but at the same time, I want as much (paid) time off as I can get, and want to enjoy every precious moment with our new little one before going back. I don't think I'll actually take quite 4 months; I'm thinking of going back part-time in mid-September to get me used to being back, and Angus used to the new babysitter.

Which, however, is another thing I've learned about today that I'm pleased about. Angus' regular sitter will be our close friend Brandie who stays home with her son and also watches a couple of other children. Not only do I totally trust and feel comfortable with her, but she'll be a bit more flexible about scheduling. For example, since I don't work in June and July, I don't want to have to pay a regular sitter during those months, and she's fine with that. I haven't totally wrapped my brain around the cost for this service yet, but I believe it to be in line with other places and again, the comfort of knowing he/she will be with someone I love and trust is worth it to me.

I told my boss my tentative plan today re: time off/possible return dates, and though she's a fantastic and caring boss, I think it'll take her a little while to wrap her mind around the implications for the rest of the office. This can't NOT be an inconvenience to them, especially since there are only 3 of us who share weekly on-call duties, and for close to 4 months that'll be split between 2 people, but I know I have to do what I feel is best for me and my family. I'm sure she'll come around, and it'll all work out, but when I first told her I was pregnant, she (for some reason) had in her mind that I'd likely be off for 6 weeks, so this new information has got to come as a bit of a shock.

I've been feeling pretty well, and have a lot more energy than I did early on (though still not so much that I'm exercising as much as I probably should be). I think I've gained maybe a pound or 2 in the last couple of weeks, and my appetite's definitely returned. My next appointment is this coming Monday, Dec. 17, and I'll be past the 15 week mark at that point. I swear, every Friday when I hit a new week, it feels like my birthday, I'm just so pleased. I found a cute little party dress to wear to a cocktail party that a co-worker is having this Saturday and for now, the combination of my tummy sleeve and looser-fitting pants seems to work with the slightly larger belly. Oh, AND Andy and I got a dishwasher last weekend, which I'm sure will come in quite handy in about 6 months (not that it's not already coming in handy, but seriously, does anyone else's run for 2 1/2 - 3 hours?! Crazy!) Life is good!

Update

I haven't gotten around to doing this in a while, and I think it's because I don't really have anything to bitch and complain about right now. I'm almost to 14 weeks (will be on Friday), and am feeling much better in general than I did early on. I feel a wave of nausea pass over me maybe once or twice a week, usually if I'm somewhere sort of stuffy (like Sunday Mass), but the main current complaint is just my lack of energy. I was doing an alcohol program for work last night, and though I do these several times a week, I noticed that 30 minutes or so into it, I became kind of short of breath, which is really annoying. I also had to walk up 2 flights of steps to the room where the program is; again, shouldn't be that big a deal, but I had to stop at the top to catch my breath before going into the room. Wierd.

These symptoms have kind of forced me to slow down and make different decisions than normal during this hectic time of year. I took off work yesterday and spent the day finishing my Christmas shopping since I know I don't really have the energy to battle the crowds during the evening and weekend hours, and this was the best idea! I will be making this an annual event for myself because it was just so nice to be able to take my time and really figure out what I wanted to get for everyone, instead of running into a store and finding the "best" thing I can in 10 minutes so I can get to the other 20 places on my list. I probably wondered around Borders for an hour yesterday and left with some really good gifts instead of things that would suffice but I'm not happy with. I know there will be additional things that come up, but I've finished shopping for everyone on my list, and it feels good.

Andy and I are still sticking to our plan to wait and get through the new year before we start to think about cleaning out the room that will be the nursery and planning how to furnish/decorate it. I don't imagine I'll be one of those women who buys everything in sight 6 months early. I know there are some things we need to have, but there's a lot of stuff that we don't need, and a lot that I know others will get for us during showers, etc. I can't imagine that it's in our unborn child's best interest to come into this world with parents that have just increased their financial obligations by splurging on crap that he/she will never really have a chance to appreciate or notice in the first place. We want to move out of our little house eventually, so the goal needs to be paying OFF bills, not creating new ones.

Oh! I forgot, the other sort of new thing is that I, for the first time, wore my tummy sleeve to work on Monday. I wore it with a pair of nice warm gray wool pants that I'd given up on weeks ago, and a long shirt to cover the belly region, and it was pretty nice! I noticed that the part that's more around my ribcage felt a little loose, so I checked it periodically to be sure that it wasn't getting rolled up in there, but I definitely think this was a good first clothing purchase, and I imagine it'll get more use in the next few weeks. For anyone who's interested, I lost around 5 lbs. early on when I was so sick and not eating well, and I seem to have gained about 1 lb. back so far. I know there's more to come in that area, and I'll definitely try to do whatever my doctor recommends.

I got a few books from the library the other day (including one for Andy about pregnancy/childbirth, etc.), and finished the first one last night. Called "Belly Laughs," by Jenny McCarthy. I can't remember who recommended this to me, but thank you, whoever you are! This was a funny, light-hearted look at pregnancy that I found quite helpful. It had never dawned on me that many women shit on the delivery table during labor, so that's another thing to add to the list of "shit" I'm not looking forward to, but in general it gave me an opportunity to go, "Ah, I'm not alone!" She, however, gained 60 lbs. during pregnancy, and since I'm not a celebrity with the luxury of a personal trainer and chef to get me back in shape after the birth, I hope I don't put on quite that much!

Ok, I guess I had more to say than I thought. In closing, I guess I'll mention that I'm so grateful to be at this stage in my pregnancy where I'm feeling pretty good, still looking pretty good, and have people that I know I can count on if I need something. I'll continue trying to relax and enjoy the wondrous experience of creating life, and will be sure to let you in on the highlights.

Correction

Ok, if any of you are also reading Major Beef's blog regularly, you'll see that he made mention of my hesitancy to "get fat" during this pregnancy. Just to clarify, that's certainly not the entire issue, though I certainly don't look forward to these upcoming middle months where people will be trying to figure out whether I'm pregnant or just enjoying all the holiday cooking a little too much. Babylust (see link on right side of page) did a good job describing some of the same emotions I've been having about this issue.

It's the idea of fully committing to the process and of the irrational fear that I'll be "jinxing" it somehow. Like I said, totally irrational. With the difficulties we've had previously (as I've mentioned, this is pregnancy #4), it's so amazing and surreal to me that I'm actually pregnant enough to be growing out of my clothes, and that my sister's talking to me about a baby shower. Those are things that "actual" pregnant people go through, and there's still part of me that's hesitant to really believe that I belong in that category.

I did wear an outfit yesterday that isn't even a maternity thing, just a loose-fitting outfit I wear occasionally to work, but because it's a similar style to a lot of maternity clothing (empire waist, for example) I was actually able to see the beginnings of a, um, curvier middle area than I used to have. And, for the first time, I was able to see the appeal in that, and think it actually looked kind of cute. And today I'm wearing a skirt that is also kind of stretchy (though I'm wearing sexy-ass boots with it) and I'm not completely repulsed by the changes my body's going through.

So, am I vain? Sure. But I'm also just a plain old scaredy cat, who's doing her best to be hopeful and excited even on the days that seem scary. And lemme tell you, just having a big belly doesn't always make me feel better. I'm getting there, everyone, just be patient with me. If you're a mom reading this and experienced the feeling of "This can't possibly be happening, I couldn't possibly be so lucky/blessed," I'd love to hear about it.

Everybody Knows...

Ok, it's official. We've tried to let everyone we care about in on our little secret, and how much fun it's been! Andy and I had a fantastic time visiting our families and sharing our good news with them. I made a dozen or more phone calls yesterday to let our closest friends know, and have posted bulletins on myspace and sent out e-mails to catch the ones we missed. Everyone's been so supportive and encouraging, thanks to all of you for that.

In other news (sort of), one of my work study's at work just found out she's pregnant, and is not so happy. She's a college student with plans that didn't previously include being someone's mother just yet, so she'll have a rough time getting her mind around this huge life change she's experiencing. Isn't it amazing how the same news that is thrilling and wonderful when you're happily married at 28 can be devastating when you're at a slightly different point in your life? She's a smart girl, and I know she'll get through it fine, I just hate that she has to.

So, I thought I was past the point of being sick, but I'm starting to think that I'm maybe not, not quite yet. I don't feel nauseous exactly, but seem to be having more days where nothing sounds good and I'm having to force myself to try to eat. I'm also still pretty tired, not as much as at the beginning, but enough to be annoyed by it. Andy and I got home from my parent's place around 8pm last night and decided to put up the Christmas tree and start decorating, and about an hour in (and after 7-8 trips up and down the stairs), I was DONE. Had to flop on the couch and let him rearrange the last of the furniture and fiddle with the lights one more time. Looks good now, but it seemed like a bigger task than usual.

I'll try to continue updating this as I have time and motivation, but please feel free to not read it if it gets too boring. I'm writing this primarily as a record for myself, and if the rest of you can get a kick out of it as well, that's just icing:). Regardless, Andy and I very much appreciate all the love and well wishes we've received. It's enough to have a spouse as wonderful as mine, but having friends and family like we do makes us extra blessed.

Guest Blog - Andy

It’s about time!

Jessica and I have been looking forward to this week since we first found out we were pregnant. I have been ‘fairly’ good about not telling TOO many people. Haha. I did tell my friends Mike and Steve pretty early on. I needed some ‘man’ support, and they have been great and keeping me laughing daily! They have been very helpful in keeping me sane and from going ape-shit crazy!

It is good that we are spilling the beans this week because I honestly cannot contain myself any longer. ESPECIALLY after Monday’s Dr. visit when we saw Angus MOVING around flailing his little legs, arms, and big melon of a head. Seeing that really galvanized my confidence that this time it is going to stick! The little dude was doing leg kicks and stretching out his arms… AMAZING. I guess the fact that we are going to have a baby is still sinking in. I nearly passed the fuck out!

Boy? Girl? It doesn’t matter. I do tend to refer to the baby as “Angus”, so ‘it’ has taken on a male persona, but that doesn’t mean I hope for or think it is a boy. It is just my way of bonding I guess.

Jessica and I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. We are blessed with a wonderful family and friends. We have created a GREAT life together and we cannot wait to share it with our little melon headed baby!

~Andy

Ahh...

It's so nice to be able to start just relaxing and enjoying this amazing experience of being pregnant. I told everyone at the office yesterday, and they've all been extremely supportive and are happy for Andy and I. They've witnessed the last 2 unsuccessful pregnancies and witnessed me going through the scary surgeries and covered my caseload while I've been off, so I love that I get to celebrate this more joyous occasion with my work family.

It's a slow morning here, this day before Thanksgiving, with many people off work and the rest of us wishing we were. At least we get off at noon today, leaving me with plenty of time to get some errands done before we head to Andy's parent's place.

Yeah, this is going to be a great weekend...

It's a Go!!!

I had my doctor's appointment today (with the actual doctor, not the N.P.), and all is well!!! I swear, they're treating me the way I assume they treat "normal" pregnant people, and I love it!!! (Um, expect to see a lot of exclamation points in this post. Sorry.) She had a little trouble finding a heartbeat on the first machine she tried, but then brought in a cool one with a little screen, and not only was she able to see the heart beating, we were able to see little legs and arms moving around. She pushed down a little harder on my belly, and it actually made the kid jump! It's like there's an actual person inside there, unreal...

We asked all of our questions about things I can and can't have (oysters=no, occasional lunchmeat and herbal tea=yes), and I got a chance to thank her (for the bilionth time) for saving my one tube, making it possible for me to get pregnant in the first place. She kicks ass, that's all there is to it. She said I should feel free to tell everyone I want to, and that there are no problems whatsoever. She said I'm on my way to a normal vaginal birth, and I just couldn't be more thrilled!!!

Well, I'm going to end this post because I can't say anything except how happy Andy and I are, and how blessed we feel to finally get to be doing what we've spent the last several years preparing for. Yippee!!!!!

11 weeks down, 29 to go

Well, we've made it through another long week, me and my fetus. Yes, it's official, as of yesterday he/she became a fetus instead of an embryo. I've never had a fetus before! Pretty exciting stuff.

This has been a tough week since I've spent most of it struggling with the same cold I wrote about last time. I actually missed work on Tuesday, which is pretty unlike me. I call in sick maybe once a year, except for those yearly surgeries I've had (see early posts) that have led to more lengthy work absences. I'm still pretty early on in my career, and feel the pressure to be an all-star in the office. Come to think of it, that may be exactly why this cold hit me so hard; I've been going non-stop, and with this precious parasite sucking away valuable energy, it's no wonder my immune system is shot!

As usual, this is an excellent time to brag on my Andy, who came home from work on Monday with a humidifier, Vicks Vapo Rub, saline nose spray, cough drops, and a willingness to take care of me. I've spent the last few nights in the "sick suite," aka spare bedroom, so my coughing doesn't keep us both awake, but I look forward to rejoining him in our room in the near future.

I've also had some mild pain in my abdominal area, which always makes me nervous, but the nurse practitioner told us that I may have pain that feels like menstrual cramps at times, and as long as the pain's not severe and I'm not seeing blood, I refuse to panic. I'll see the doctor again on Monday for a regular check-up, so hopefully she'll have plenty of reassuring things to say.

We're both so excited for that appointment, and the trips next week to visit our familes for Thanksgiving! I'm ready to tell everyone our good news and start celebrating and planning for the next few crazy months. I'm also ready to tell my work what's going on, as I become more self-conscious every day of my ever-increasing baby bump. It's probably not noticeable to anyone else, but it certainly will be soon!

Most of this weekend will be spent relaxing at home, though we'll try to make it to an Aces game tomorrow. Keep sending us your positive thoughts, and by this time next week, there will be a lot more people "in the know" who can do the same.

10 weeks

So, I've reached the end (or the beginning) of another week, and though things are still going just fine with the pregnancy, I've felt rotten this week. I've got a pretty nasty cough right now along with some other unpleasant cold symptoms, and am hesitant to take anything that could help. Called my doctor's office today, and the nurse assured me that cough drops, robitussin, sudafed, and benadryl are all just fine, but when it's my baby and my body, Andy and I are both still a little nervous. I had a pretty lousy morning, with the coughing, the vomiting, and the general feeling of ickiness, but hopefully it'll get better soon.

On top of feeling so crappy, I'm sitting on my couch while a plumber makes all kinds of noises in an attempt to replace our shower faucet and main shutoff valve, along with the piping between the two. I took off work today since I've been working so many extra hours, but as you can tell, my day off hasn't been much fun so far. Assuming he gets done at a reasonable hour, I'll also be getting the tires on the truck replaced this afternoon. We have a fun event tonight to attend, again, assuming I get to feeling well enough to leave the house.

Yay, I'm at 10 weeks. Maybe I'll have something more pleasant to write about next time.

Fear

When thinking of what to write about today, Andy suggested I do a "Dear Angus," letter, saying whatever I'd want to say to this tiny person growing inside of me. The truth is that I'm not ready to. I'm still so afraid that it won't last, that something could be wrong, though I've got no reason to think so. I'm afraid to start buying things, either for baby or for me. Andy's been trying to encourage me to go ahead and buy some maternity clothing for work, since there are already several pairs of my pants that I've given up on, and the ones that fit me now probably won't in another few weeks, but I'm just not ready. I agreed to buy a couple of sleep shirts with built-in bras, since sleeping without one at this point is just not an option. My boobs are so damn big and sore, they ache all the time.

As excited as I am to tell people our news, I'm also sort of wishing we could put it off as long as possible because I don't want to do anything to jinx this pregnancy. Believe me, I know how silly and illogical that sounds, but things are going so well, and I want them to keep going well, and don't know how to guarantee that.

So, the idea of talking directly to this small, small life we've created, and telling him/her how loved he/she is, and how excited we are for his/her arrival, is just too terrifying at this point. Will I be past these silly fears at 12 weeks? At 18? At birth? I have no idea. And I know that preparing for the worst does nothing but make this time more stressful, but I'm just not yet able to be entirely hopeful, either. I'll admit it, I'm attached. Already, I do have visions of all kinds of times with Baby, laying on the couch, walking in a park, visiting Grandma and Grandpa, and Aunt Manda. All of those pregnancy websites that say, "Your baby can now suck his/her thumb," don't really help in my attempts to not get attached too quickly, that's for sure.

I guess this is why they give me 9 months, huh? Time to get used to the idea of being pregnant, being a parent, and hopefully, to start being less afraid and more confident in the abilities of my body to grow a person, and in my ability to raise one.

Guest Blog - Andy

Okay… I have been SWORN to secrecy by Jessica I am not able to post anything on my blog about the pregnancy just yet…. I am literally about to explode from not being able to talk about it! I have not posted on my blog in over a week for that very reason – I haven’t had much talk about OTHER THAN JESSICA BEING PREGNANT!

I am under strict orders to not tell any family or friends yet… other than the two friends I had permission to tell (sorta), Mike and Steve.

I understand why we are not telling folks yet, but DAMN it is hard. We spent a good part of the day yesterday with my family and all of my parents and, brothers, and young nephews and nieces were there. I wanted to fill everyone one in on the good news!

As much as I wanted to tell everyone yesterday, it will be better to tell everyone over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. My niece and God-daughter Riley will be baptized on Thanksgiving Day, with a meal following at my parents place. We plan to tell them then before/during/after. The following morning (Friday) we’ll venture up to Rochester to visit Jessica’s folks, and fill them in on our secret as well.

I like this plan and am looking forward to telling them then. She’ll be 12 weeks in, through the first trimester, and will have been to the Dr. a few days before. This is definitely the time to do it.

Okay, maybe tomorrow or sometime soon I’ll put some more thoughts together about the prospects of being a father. Much love and thanks to those who “know the secret” and swing by this blog to check in on us. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!

~Andy

Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...

The title comes from a goofy song my dad used to play when I was a kid. So, today I'm officially 9 weeks pregnant, and still no sign of problems. Phew. 2 1/2 weeks til my next appointment, 3 weeks til we plan to share our good news with our familes, then with everyone else, and I couldn't be more pleased. Work continues to be a busy distraction, and I feel like the week went pretty quickly, but not fast enough. Probably shouldn't be wishing away this joyous time of my life, but given my history, I just really want to get thru the first trimester. I promise I'll slow down and start enjoying it after I hit that point.

Andy and I have a lot planned for the weekend, including taking care of our long overdue plumbing issues in the bathroom. Can't wait to buy a new faucet! Wow, when the hell did I get so old? We also have two different parties with friends to go to tomorrow night, and like usual, it'll be a challenge to not share our news with some of the people closest to us, but we'll do our best. Sunday we'll be with friends too, should be fun.

Ok, then. 9 weeks down, 31 to go. I'm starting to think this may actually happen. I might actually get to be someone's parent. And when that happens, I'll have a whole new set of things to worry and get excited about:).

I get so emotional, baby

Not that I wasn't an emotional person before, but jeez. Seems every song, every commercial, every conversation leaves me in, or near, tears. And it's not like I'm always sad, just overcome with emotion. The sky is bluer, the song is sadder, my love for my husband is deeper. Everything is just INTENSIFIED. I think it's gotta be part hormones, part lack of sleep. I've been working a ton lately, and am at work probably 2-3 nights a week on average. I've had 2 calls that required long trips to the emergency room with students in the last week and a half, and of course, these typically occur in the middle of the night.

The good news is that my wonderful boss had encouraged me to take comp time for all these extra hours (22 and counting at the moment), so I'll be coming in late tomorrow, off at noon on Friday, and am taking off several other chunks of time here and there in the next couple of weeks. It's nice to know I'll be off the morning of my next dr.'s appointment (Nov. 19) and won't have to take vacation time for it. I'm already looking forward to the Christmas holidays, when I'll be off work from Dec. 20 til Jan. 2. Yippee!! I love my job for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that I don't really have an opportunity to get burnt out because there are these lengthy times when I'm off that make the busiest times seem more bearable.

In other good news, I think I've convinced my husband to consider my idea to paint the cool old desk we have in the office so it can be converted to a changing table. I don't ask for much (yeah right), but that's always been part of my nursery vision. That, and a rocking chair or glider of some sort. Haven't figured the rest of it out yet, but I've got time, right?

8 weeks in...

Today I'm offically 8 weeks pregnant, which is at least 2-3 weeks longer than I've ever gone. In general, I'm feeling better than I did previously. I'm still occasionally nauseous, but more often I'm ravenous, and suddenly, but it's hard to find things that sound good. This means I have times like last night, where I got into bed exhausted at around 10:30pm. As I lay there trying to sleep, I just started crying. My hubby, who I was a little annoyed at for something relatively minor, came in to check on me. I explained that I was pissed at him, exhausted, stressed, and very hungry, but nothing sounded appealing. He started suggesting things, trying to be helpful.

"Would you like some yogurt?"
"NO!"
"How about cereal?"
"NO!"
"Chicken sandwich?"
"Absolutely not!"
"Hamburger from McDonald's?"
(pause) "Make it a cheeseburger with no onions, please."

So, as quick as humanly possible, he grabs his keys and is out the door. I'm laying in bed crying for no reason, other than I'm pregnant, and I assume hormonal. He got back quickly, and I ate two double cheeseburgers in about 5 minutes, there in bed, took a few swigs of diet pepsi and fell blissfully asleep. It was kind of a rough episode for both of us I think.

That's been another problem pretty well from the beginning: I sleep like the dead until maybe 4-5AM, then am tossing and turning until it's time to get up. And when I finally get up, I feel like a zombie for a full 30 minutes or so before I start to be able to see and walk and function semi-normally. And I'm totally in zombie-mode when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, too. I'm disoriented, and it's challenging to figure out where or who I am. Very strange.

Thankfully, I have the best husband on the planet who's willing to love (and tolerate) me no matter how nutty I am. It's not like it just started when I got pregnant; he's known me for close to 9 years, and I've always been a handful. Lucky him, and lucky me:).

Weekend's almost here!

For the first time in I don't know how long my hubby and I have NOTHING planned this weekend. This makes me very happy. We had plans to go to a party on Saturday night, but it's been postponed til the next weekend.

I'll be doing laundry, knitting, and relaxing on the couch with a cup of hot apple cider. ALL WEEKEND. Jealous?

My Lips Are Sealed

It's interesting, I wrote yesterday about a co-worker who's due two weeks before I am, and we had this little luncheon thing today with the whole office, and everyone's asking her about how she's feeling, and how her appetite's been, and she's talking about how she's not ready to have to shop for maternity clothes. It's an interesting situation because obviously, I'm experiencing a lot of the same things that she is, but no one knows this yet. She's at 10 weeks, and I'm almost at 8, but I'll (hopefully) be past 12 weeks before I tell everyone here. That means there will be 4 WEEKS where it feels like I'm lying to all these people that are fairly important to my life, and it feels kind of strange. Still better than the previous scenarios, where I'm forced to say, pretty much in one sentence, "I'm pregnant, and it's not going well, and I go in for surgery tomorrow," or some variation of that.

My dream, my fantasy, is to be able to say, not only to co-workers, but to everyone who cares about me, "I'm pregnant, am through my first trimester, and all is well." I'm especially looking forward to saying this to my parents, who I'm extra cautious with right now. It's just been too hard for them, for everyone, but expecially for them, to be in this state of not being able to be happy for me when I'm pregnant, because they're overcome with fear and concern. One of my past pregnancies nearly killed me, and I'll never forgive my body (and my ex-doctor) for putting them through that. So, I am trying to protect them, and give them all the good news at once. I'm just ready to do it now!!! 4 more WEEKS is a long time to wait, especially now that I know everything is going fine. It's tempting to spill the beans now, but I know I'll be sparing them 4 weeks of worry by waiting, and so it's worth it to me to do so. They'll have plenty of time to celebrate with us when we're through with this more high risk time.

I already have it sort of planned out in my head, too, I'm such a dork. I imagine getting to my parent's place the day after Thanksgiving (will spend Thanksgiving day with hubby's folks, haven't planned that part out yet), and we'll get in the house, and my folks will do what they always do, welcome, great to see you, can I get you a drink? And I'll say, totally non-chalantly, (is that a word?!) "no, I'm pregnant, but thanks anyway." And then the hugs and the tears begin...

Blah

I spoke to one of my co-workers earlier, and she mentioned how one of our new employees (just started yesterday) is pregnant and due next May, and what lousy timing that is (along with another employee who will be off for 2 weeks for a honeymoon around the same time) because of some activities that happen here that time of year. Yes, it's a busy time of year, but really, every time of year has it's busy moments, and shouldn't things like weddings and babies be things we celebrate?

I think I let her get to me too much. She doesn't know that I'm pregnant, or about my due date (just a few weeks after that other employee's), and I hope she eats her words when she finds out, and is supportive and encouraging. Unfortunately, I think her immediate reaction will be to figure out how my pregnancy will inconvenience her. Nevermind the fact that she decided to take a trip to the Bahamas over the same busy period of time last year. Blech.

I'm going to try hard to not allow her negativity to interfere with my happiness and excitement. This is just too special a time for that.

Must...find...distraction...

Ok, the only thing on my mind is this big ass snake that my neighbors recently acquired, and it's kind of freaking me out. I think Major Beef will talk about this in more detail soon, so see the link to his blog if interested.

So, in an effort to not think about the 8 foot boa constrictor that is probably slithering toward my house as we speak, I'm going to try to focus on how nice it is that my appetite has (sort of) returned. It's been so strange, I've actually lost 2-3 lbs since I learned I was pregnant, as very little sounded palatable at all for the first couple of weeks, but this has started to improve. Still pretty sure I shouldn't have had Taco Bell for lunch, but I'm pretty sure that Taco Bell's never a good idea.

228 days to go, according to my little baby countdown, and I think I'm on my way to being able to tolerate the wait. It's strange, I was SO ANXIOUS leading up to my appointment last Friday, but just hearing that everything is fine makes me so much more relaxed, and it really helped all of my anxiety disappear. I got to spend most of the weekend with a close friend from out of town, who I decided to share the news of my pregnancy with, and it was great to be able to talk about it a little bit. She's also hoping to be able to increase the size of her family soon, and I hope that all goes well for her.

Work has been busy, but manageable. Will actually be here til about 8pm tonight, but that will make it easier to take some time off very soon. I still find that I'm pretty tired much of the time; short walks wear me out, but the nurse practititioner said that this will likely improve by the end of the first trimester, which is about 4 weeks from now.

Guess that's it for crazy pregnant lady today, I warned you it'd be boring at times:).

Ultrasound Pic

Angus' first pic! He looks like a little astronaut!

Holy Crap!

Um, it appears that we are having a normal, healthy pregnancy. Our little "Angus," as my husband affectionately refers to him/her, is 8mm long, has a strong heartbeat, and is doing just fine! We have the fuzzy black and white pics, and I'll attempt to get one up on here soon.

It's SO NICE to have all these medical professionals confirm what I've been believing for some time now, that all is well within my womb. I don't think I've talked about this on here much yet, but when I had my first ectopic pregnancy, my right fallopian tube ruptured, and is no longer functional. Then, I had another ectopic pregnancy in the left tube! Luckily, I'd switched doctors by then, and she was on the lookout for such things, and was able to perform a surgery to remove the growing embryo before it too ruptured and injured me. It is because of her skill and care that I have the one remaining tube that has allowed me to conceive naturally, and I'll be grateful to her forever for that. I get emotional just thinking about that, and realizing how very different our family planning efforts would be if I was left with no functioning tubes.

Both the ultrasound lady and the nurse practitioner said that when you can hear a strong heartbeat, as we were able to today, the chances of a miscarriage (which was the result of my first pregnancy) go down "tremendously." Everything I hear and read says that it's probably "safe," now to start telling people our good news, but I'm still kind of wanting it to be just mine for a little longer. I know that once people know I'm pregnant, all chances of a normal conversation just go out the window, and I'd like to still be just a person for a while longer. Plus, I like the idea of being able to tell my and Andy's families in person, and it'll be Thanksgiving before we can do that. We'll see if we can hold out that long. The nurse today gave me a very interesting-looking book with all the need-to-know info about pregnancy, so I'm going to get started on it.

It's strange, I've been so exhausted for the last few weeks, but today I've been so excited and wired that my typing can't really keep up with my thoughts. Imagine, me being just a normal, pregnant person, getting to do all the normal, pregnant person things, like have normal ultrasounds, and pictures, and send off the card for my samples of formula (though I plan to breastfeed, at least at first). I LOVE IT!!!

Could be worse...

I spent the hours from 3am to 6am in our local emergency room last night dealing with a work crisis, and found out this morning that one of my closest friends broke her ankle last night. Both of these things sound less pleasant than "dealing with" my, so far, healthy pregnancy. I'm having some stomach issues today, but nothing scary, and actually, I've kind of been too busy to obsess too much about this human I'm growing.

Tomorrow's the big appointment, the one where, hopefully, they'll tell me that I am, in fact, having a healthy pregnancy, and am growing the aforementioned human in my uterus, as opposed to my one remaining fallopian tube. This is by far the most pregnant I've ever been, and I don't think I could be this far along without significant pain and discomfort if it was another ectopic pregnancy. I know that getting to 7 weeks (tomorrow) does not mean that there's a guarantee of everything going smoothly until June 6, but it does give me reason to be hopeful.

Still been sleeping a lot, and actually able to eat more than previously, which is a good sign. I only felt like throwing up once yesterday (and that was my fault, doing too good a job brushing my tongue, and accidently set off the ol' gag reflex), and haven't felt particularly nauseous today. I have found, however, that there are some things that are best avoided currently, like messing with raw meat, allowing my husband to talk to long about the bathroom deposits that he's particularly proud of, and the horrid smell of the dumpsters behind my work building (which also happens to house the food services here). None of these things are all that pleasant anyways, but are especially offensive to my senses in my current state.

Ok, I'll hopefully be posting good news after tomorrow's appointment. Oomph, makes my belly hurt just thinking about it...

Better day, better man...

I've not felt on the verge of throwing up ALL DAY, which has been so pleasant. Andy's helped me get a couple of "accessories" up on this thing, so I can watch the imaginary baby grow right in front of me:). He's also made the decision, along with a close friend of his, to start doing things daily to be a "better, more balance man," and I support this entirely. Involves regular mass attendance, exercise, and mental growth (reading, etc.), so nothing but healthy stuff. He's long needed something to help in the stress-relieving department, and I think this might be just the thing.

So, I got a decent night's sleep last night, for the first time in a couple of weeks, and have been pretty productive at work (aside from my current, um, diversion). My first ultrasound and nurse practitioner appointment happen this Friday, and I'll be at 7 weeks at that point. Time has just been passing so slowly since I found out I was pregnant, and the stress of it all is overwhelming at times.

And actually, it's going to be extremely stressful no matter what the outcome. Obviously, losing another pregnancy would be very stressful, sad, and all of the other, previously felt feelings would return. But, if we get to keep this one, if I get to stay pregnant, and become someone's mother, that's an entirely different sort of stress, and one that I feel I'm ready for. I mean, people do this parenthood stuff all the time, and I anticipate it being the hardest thing I've done, but I believe I'm equipped, and I know I'm ready to give it a shot.

Please please please let me stay pregnant...

Ok, kind of strange...

I determined that I'd never do this, for many reasons. Primarily because I'm a pretty private person, and have no interest in people I know reading this, save my husband, especially given the event that has prompted this bold move.

I'm pregnant. Less than a handful of people know this, also for many reasons. This is my 4th pregnancy, and I have yet to have a successful one, though so far so good this time. I've had one miscarriage, and 2 ectopic pregancies, both requiring scary surgeries and the potential loss of my ability to procreate. Perhaps I'll expand on these prior losses another time.

Anyways, since almost no one knows I'm pregnant again (6 weeks and counting!), I have almost no one to talk to about it. Sure, it's the constant topic of conversation between me and my husband, but that's pretty much it. As I said, this is intentional, because given my history, there's no guarantee that I'll continue to stay pregnant, and I don't see the point in forcing my friends and family to grieve another loss with us, so for now, it's just been our little secret.

What's prompting me to start writing is my NEED to talk about it! I have a NEED to write, even if it's just to myself, about how completely lousy I feel every day. I NEED to write about struggling to overcome my addiction to caffeine, and my desire to drink alcohol on a regular basis. I NEED to be able to choke down more than 600 calories a day without feeling like yakking all over my freshly shampooed office floor.

So, that's exactly what I'll do. I can't imagine that this will be of much interest to anyone else (though morning sickness is SO VERY FASCINATING!), but maybe it'll help me survive the next few weeks, until we can be, at least in theory, out of the woods.